Read Filthy's Review
of The Beach
Live
from Casa Bonita in Denver, Colorado- where the Stars Come Out
to Shit
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Here I am about to be
consumed by one of the monsters in Black Bart's Cave.
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Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's time
once again for the Filthies, my little awards ceremony to give
trophies to celebrities for what they do best: sucking hairy
ass or making me happy. Many of you remember that last year's
ceremony was at the Ralston Amoco. Well, seeing how the Amoco
is still closed, I had to move the ceremony to Casa Bonita, the
World's largest restaurant.
Casa Bonita is famous for its Acapulcan
cliff divers, Black Bart's Caves, the bad Broadway songs sung
by teenagers, The Treasure Cove, Bananas the Dancing Monkey and
some of the most god-awful Mexican food you'll ever eat. As I
write this, I will assume that many of the stars I invited will
not be able to make it. I never heard back from their agents,
but I sort of assumed maybe that was a Hollywood thing: just
showing up. But, only one star has arrived, Barbra Streisand,
and she wasn't even invited. She even brought her own trophy
and asked me to give it to her as a lifetime achievement award.
Right now she's stuffing her face with sopapillas.
So, sure I'm disappointed that Ben Affleck
didn't come. I even told his fucking agent we named an award
after him. And I don't know who is going to eat these 40 chicken
combo platters I ordered. But, the disappointment at the Hollywood
assholes today is no different than the kick in the balls those
fuckers give us every week. And, just like every week, it ain't
going to rain on my Goddamned parade.
On with the show.
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It was a crowded and tight contest this
year. What's a Filthy malcontent to do when he has so many qualified
choices for worst on-screen performance of the year. I would
love to give it to that pasty fuck Freddie Prinze, Jr., but his
horseshit flick "Down to You" didn't come out until
2000. In the meantime, so many assholes inflicted their indifferent
and incompetent performances on us that is was hard just to narrow
it down to five fellows. Regardless, I tried and the Nominees
are:
Ben Affleck for his smarmy performance in "Forces of
Nature"
Ben Stiller for multiple miscalculations such as "Mystery
Men"
Rob Schneider for the tragically bad "Deuce Bigalow"
Cuba Gooding, Jr. for the laughable "Instinct"
Jake Lloyd for making us hate Darth Vader before his time |
And
the winner is... |
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There weren't as many shitty performances
by women in 1999, and many of the worst were temperd by the fact
that the actress then took her top off. But, let's not kid ourselves,
the ladies deserve just as much credit as the men for ripping
us off week after week. Following are the nominees for the shittiest
portrayals of women by women during 1999:
Heather Graham for sucking twice in "Bowfinger" and
"Austin Powers"
Patricia Arquette for thrice shitting in "Stigmata,"
"Goodbye Lover" and "Hi-Lo Country"
Courtney Love for forcing her way into "Man on the
Moon"
Elizabeth Hurley for doing nothing in "Permanent
Midnight"
Molly Shannon for playing "Superstar" for about
80 minutes too long |
And
the winner is... |
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Let's not forget all that fine acting we
saw. Hell, as much as I bitch and gripe about the movies, I'd
probably slit my throat if those fuckers in Hollywood stopped
making them. And, every now and then, someone does such a good
job that it makes it all worthwhile. To me, good acting is more
than Tom Cruise's over-the-top crying bullshit in "Magnolia."
It's when an actor understands the character, plays him with
respect and really tries to entertain the audience, not win a
fucking award. The best five actors were:
Philip Seymour Hoffman for saving the "Talented Mr. Ripley"
Kevin Spacey for being the dad in "American Beauty"
Bill Murray for having no ego in "Rushmore"
Richard Farnsworth for being a stubborn old fart in "Straight
Story"
John Malkovich for being himself |
And
the winner is... |
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I could give this award to the actress
who had the best looking tits, in which case Heather Graham would
walk away with it. But I don't think that's fair. I think that
pornos are for rewarding big boobs, and the Filthies are for
rewarding talent. It doesn't hurt if the lady is good-looking,
but I would prefer to give those ladies my big trophy in private.
The best actresses in 1999 were:
Thora Birch for behaving exactly like a teen in "American
Beauty"
Reese Witherspoon for letting herself look bad in "Election"
Olivia Williams for being tolerable and English -bred
in "Rushmore"
Sarah Polley for giving life to a stoner in "Go"
Franka Potemke For running her ass off in "Run, Lola,
Run" |
And
the winner is... |
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Oh, Christ, there were many, many really
shitty movies in 1999. Limiting myself to just five is a sort
of cruel punishment. Not as miserable as pretending to be nice
to Barbra, who is currently harassing Bananas the Dancing Monkey,
but certainly up there. "Fight Club" propbably would
have been the worst movie I saw in 1999, but I didn't sit through
the whole thing. As soon as my damn popcorn was gone, I was out
of there. The five worst movies I sat through were:
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There were some damn good movies in 1999.
Hell, there were enough to keep us coming back, even knowing
the odds were against being entertained. I am thankful to the
people who actually tried, the people who might have even liked
what they did. And the movies that resulted were:
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And now, the big moment of the evening:
The Fuck You, Ben Affleck award for Lack of Lifetime Achievement.
This award is giving to the fucker who raped the public hardest
and most eagerly. It goes to the assholes who always put money
before art and don't give a flying fuck what they make, so long
as the check clears. It never occurs to these assholes that if
their movie makes $150,000,000, then they happily stole the money
from 20,000,000 hark-working folks and they didn't even try to
do their best. Some people are incapable of quality, but others
are and still refuse to deliver it. To them, I say Fuck You.
In 1999, the Fuck You Ben Affleck Award is deserved by all of
the following, but sadly only one will go home with the trophy:
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That's the end of the ceremony folks, but
here's a celebrity picture of the night's festivities for those
who couldn't make it. Right now I need to go settle the bill
with the waiter. Good night.
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Here's me with my favorite
candy and Babs with the trophy she wanted me to give her. At
least her dopey husband didn't come. He probably would have drank
all the "Chocolate Banditos" that Casa Bonita could
make. In the background is Bananas, the Dancing Monkey, who I
think stole my wallet.
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©2000 Big Empire Industries.
All Fucking Rights Reserved.
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