Watch the three-minute trailer for Stevie's
Stevie Fine Print was getting married. We were, mostly,
thrilled for him. A few of us were indifferent. One
saw it as an opportunity to do couples stuff with
a couple that maybe could find someone for him to
couple up with.
Mike first suggested
the Vegas bachelor party. After all, what better way
to pay Steve back for all of the sports entertainment
that he's provided over the years. The two of them
had gone to various sporting events, including college
basketball, pro baseball, pro hockey, pro wrestling
and a two-week road trip to follow the WNBA's Phoenix
Mercury. Baseball is Steve's primary passions, though,
and he loves to collect freebies like bobbleheads,
even if it means dressing up like an eleven-year old
for kids-only promotions.
invited Mike when he had an extra ticket, so he could
claim one more Rally Monkey shoe polish kit or Angels
garden gnome. More often than not, Mike skated out
of paying for the ticket by forgetting to carry his
wallet or by only having pesos and Hong Kong dollars
in his pockets.
want a Las Vegas bachelor party. He tried to
get out of it by concocting outlandish excuses each
time it was brought up: he'd be busy with wedding
plans; he was too mature for that sort of thing now;
The joyous smile we predict Steve will have
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office politics and social climbing; his Gambler's Anonymous sponsor
said he shouldn't.
But once we have a super great idea in our heads we
don't take no for an answer. If we did, Phil wouldn't have that tattoo
of Dave Thomas, deceased founder of Wendy's, on his chest.
fiancée wanted him to go, though. She told him he needed to
cut loose one last time, to spend quality time with friends, and give a
fond sendoff to his bachelor days. It would be a way to shed the last
bits of his youth before settling into a life of children, minivans and
night in May, after our relentless hounding and his
fiancée's encouragement, he relented. But with ground rules.
The first ground rule was probably
because of the time we took him to Larry's Villa and he got hit in the
face with a Louisville Slugger by a dancer who looked like Detroit
Tigers first baseman Prince Fielder, but with smaller boobs and a
bigger butt, which also hit him.
second ground rule was due to the amount of Four Loko that some of us
had started to use as a crutch to get through our daily lives. It is a
potent malt liquor concoction that comes in fruity flavors. In the
states where it's legal, a can costs about two bucks and has the
alcohol of six beers and the caffeine of five cups of coffee. So you
can see why we love it so much. But if Steve said, "No Four Loko," then
ground rule might have been because of the time Dan brought his
accordion. Or when Phil flooded the room after falling asleep in the
bathtub. Or maybe it was when Ghizal hid under the bed and waited until
Steve was asleep before he reached up and grabbed him while shouting
"Back from the dead! I'm the whore they hid in the mattress, back from
ground rule was because of the flooding incident. Or when we found Phil
in a tub of ice chips and "Call 911" scrawled in lipstick on the
mirror. Phil was fine, he just wanted to see what it felt like to be a
prompted the fifth ground rule was a mystery, but it sounded like fun.
ground rule was obvious. Of course, we weren't going to borrow money.
In fact, the entire weekend would be our treat. All he had to do was
sit back and enjoy his last moments of freedom. Each of us would plan
one event, whether a dinner or a hotel or a night on the town. And each
event would be unforgettable for the bachelor.
agreed, Dan bought an airline ticket to Las Vegas. No sooner had he
clicked "Purchase" than his wife came into the office with an
expression full of an impending marital storm.
"I got a
letter," she said.
want you to go to Las Vegas."
Dan makes a salient point about something or
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just bought the ticket."
like to think about what you do there."
losing our nest egg or rubbing elbows with mobsters? Kidding!"
want you to go."
what's this about?" Dan asked.
"I got a
letter," she repeated. "It says that when you're in Las Vegas you do
things. Things that I don't approve of."
anonymous accusing me of?"
"Prostitution. Binge drinking. Illegal drugs. Things with kittens that
I can't--" Her voice trailed off as she retched.
have to prostitute myself, or I won't have enough money to go binge
worry about it. The letter is clearly a prank."
you going to believe--your husband of 10 years or an unsigned
accusation from Matt?"
sent this? How do you know?"
It's Stevie Fine Print's bachelor party weekend. Of course, it's going
to get a little wild--no question about it. But that's not why I'm
are you going?"
my friend. He's new to marriage, and he needs my guidance and advice.
It's important for me to be there, to talk to him about what makes our
marriage so successful. And I'm dying to drink cocaine-laced absinthe
from a hooker's navel. Kidding!"
Lauren hit him with the fax machine.
to Part 2
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