For decades, spunky senior citizens from all over have converged on Las Vegas in search of a dignified way to spend their days and dollars. They seek refuge from the cruelties of the modern world within the whilring, grinding machinery of Las Vegas. In large and profitable numbers, they get their kicks in four-ways, ten-spots, and multi-games. Because we have been knocked over more than once by old ladies anxious not to miss the next game, we present the following Old Lady Playing Keno Jokes.

1. Why did the Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas have to leave her seat?

A. Her support hose was cutting off her circulation.

2. Why did the Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas run out of gas?

A. They don't have keno at the gas station.

3. What does an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas's husband think of her keno habit?

A. He doesn't think. He's dead.

4. Who consoles an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas when her husband dies?

A. No one. She hardly even notices.

5. What does an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas give her grandchildren for Christmas?

A. Crayons.

6. What did the Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas say when she missed the call for keno?

A. "I'll get you for this, God!"

7. What does an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas think of Old Ladies Playing Bingo in Las Vegas?

A. Close, but no cigar.
B. I guess it keeps them off the streets.

8. What did the Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas say to the aliens who abducted her?

A. "What? You don't have keno!? And you call yourself a superior life form!"

9. What numbers did the Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas pick last round?

A. She can't remember.

10. What did the Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas do when their friend Gerty was in the hospital?

A. Play keno.

11. Why do Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas fix up their kids with each other?

A. To create a breed of super-keno babies.
B. To get more birthday numbers.

12. What is the greatest honor that can be bestowed upon an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas?

A. Having her numbers retired.

13. How many Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas does it take to knock over the hopper?

A. Four if by foot; Three if by walker.

14. What do Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas fear most?

A. The return of the mastodon.

15. Why was Doris shunned by the other Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas?

A. Because she ate ball #33.

16. Do Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas have a favorite number?

A. Yes: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 through 80.

17. What did the Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas do when Agnes's grandson ate the keno balls?

A. They waited for them to pass.

18. Why do Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas call the square roots of negative numbers "imaginary"?

A. Because they're not on the keno board.

19. What does an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas dream of every night?

A. That perky little ball #17.

20. What does the Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas think about the Y2K problem?

A. "Shut up and give me my fucking crayon!"

21. What does the Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas say during a Discovery Channel documentary about D-Day?

A. "I lost forty-seven dollars that day."

22. How much wealth did the Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas acquire?

A. None.

23. How does an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas respond to the (accurate) claim that the expected payoff of keno is very low?

A. With a blank stare.

24. Why does an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas wear a floral print polyester dress?

A: To hide her nakedness.

25. What do you call an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas?

A: Agnes.

26. Why do Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas stay away from the corned beef hash?

A: It gives them gas.

27. What is the first thing you should say to an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas who asks you for a glass of water?

A: "My, what a lovely dress you are wearing!"

28. Why would an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas pick the number 47?

A: That is the age of her son.

29. With whom would an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas most like to share her victory?

A: Her cat, Claudette.

30. Why did the Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas cross the road really fast?

A: Because a car was coming.

31. How many Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 12, 47, 51, 62, 8

32. What does an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas say when her friend wins?

A: "Beginner's luck!"

33. Why do old ladies in Las Vegas play Keno when their husbands do not?

A: Because it's women's work.

34. What do Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas devote their time to when they're not in Las Vegas?

A: Training.

35. Why do Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas drive so fast?

A: Because every game they miss is money out of their pocket.

36. Why are so many of the Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas overweight?

A: Because they've devoured the fruits of their labors.

37. Where is the first place an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas stops?

A: The bathroom to change her Depends Undergarments.

38. What do Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas do to relax?

A: They play the nickel slots.

39. Why doesn't an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas get really excited when she wins?

A: To maintain proper decorum.
B: Because she's had a hard life.

40. What does an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas spend her winnings on?

A: Playing Keno!

41. When is it time for an old lady to play Keno?

A: Eleven o'clock.

42. Why don't old ladies play Keno at Nevada Landing or Gold Strike Casinos on the way to Las Vegas?

A: Because the bus doesn't stop there.

43. Why did the old lady stop playing Keno in Las Vegas?

A: Because she was dead.

44. Why does an old lady in Las Vegas play Keno in the first place?

A: Because she can't wait until she gets to the second place.

45. What is an old lady's secret thought when she plays keno in Las Vegas?

A: "Gosh, I hope I win."

46. What does an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas think when she loses?

A: "I was soooooo close."

47. What does an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas do when she's not playing Keno?

A: Eat or sleep.

48. What does an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas do when she feels like doing something really exotic?

A: She plays two Keno tickets at once!

49. What did old ladies do in Las Vegas before Keno was invented?

A: Sat around and said, "There must be something more to life than this."
B: Beat rocks together.

50. Why can't old ladies play Keno in space?

A: Because there's no gravity to make the balls fall out of the hopper.

51. Why do Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas live longer?

A: Because they have a reason to.

52. What is the most excruciating part of the trip for an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas?

A: Passing gallstones.

53. What do Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas think of the younger woman that are playing?

A: The future of America.

54. What do Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas hate more than anything else?

A: Youngsters who ridicule them.

55. What do Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas think of blackjack?

A: It would be great if they had eighty cards to choose from.

56. Why do Old Ladies in Las Vegas Play Keno?

A: Because they keep forgetting their slot club cards in the machines.

57. Why do Old Ladies head for the keno lounge whenever they hear gunfire?

A: Because nothing's ever been hit there.

58. What do Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas think of Freeno?

A: It's sheer theft!

59. What do Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas think of those who play keno on a computer over the Internet?

A: They're just phoning it in.
B: Over the what now?

60. What do the husbands of Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas want most?

A: To die.
B: Delores next door.
C: A tragic casino fire.

61. Why can't an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas help her great grandson with his math homework?

A:Because she thinks all numbers over 80 are imaginary.
B: Because he's already graduated from college.
C: Because if she was any good at math she wouldn't be playing keno.

62. What do Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas do when the temperature in Las Vegas goes up to 110?

A:They pick low numbers to cool off.
B: Two words: Strip Keno.
C: They dehydrate and die.

63. Why did the Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas stop talking to Gladys?

A:Because she kept picking 32 which everyone knew was Martha's number.

64. What do Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas like to stay in hotels?

A:Because they can't get the Keno channel at home.

65. How much does an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas tip her keno runner?

A:Service is its own reward.

66. How do the husbands of Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas get her in the mood?

A: Tenderly whispering in her ear, "Thirty-two, sixty-seven, number four, eighteen...".
B: Numbered ben-wa balls.

67. What do Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas think of the fancy keno lounge at the Wynn?

A: "I wonder what suckers are paying for this."

68. What elective surgery did the Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas undergo?

A: She had 70 fingers added (a heptacontadactylopasty).

69. Why does an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas carry a pocket knife??

A: Bingo Gangs.

70. What do Old Ladies Playing Keno in Las Vegas think of Sexy Blackjack?

A. Better to have Sexy Keno.

71.. What does an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas think of the sudden acceleration problem in the Toyota Prius?

A. "As long as it gets me to the keno game faster."

72. Why doesn't an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas take her phone into the keno parlor with her?

A. The cord isn't long enough.

73. What do they find mountains of when an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas dies?

A. Debt.
B. Sugar packets and wet naps.

74. How does an Old Lady Playing Keno in Las Vegas know when she's had enough to drink?

A. She starts picking letters.
B. When she can't distinguish between 15 and 50.