The Filthy Critic is on vacation this week. He is replaced by his nephew, Jimmy Critic, 14-year-old Treasurer of the Raymond Carver Middle School Science Fiction Club.
If me and the rest of the Science Fiction club had $60 million to make a movie we would totally make The Matrix. It is totally the best science fiction movie ever. Except for Star Wars, and Star Trek 6... and a couple other ones. It is the best movie except that if everyone was a vampire it would be even better.
The movie is totally like a Piers Anthony novel come to life. Keanu Reeves, from the equally rad "Johnny Mnemonic," is a hacker and this big mysterious guy named Morpheus, played by Laurence Fishburne, is looking for him. Well, it is like Morpheus knows that we're all living in a fantasy world (the Matrix - awesome!) created by computers and he wants to overthrow the computers. Reeves is the only person in the world who can do that, so Fishburne recruits him and trains him to be a totally cool fighting machine. Then, they go and fight and Fishburne almost dies, so Reeves has to put his life on the line to save him against the computers. He does and it's so cool.
This movie just rocks because the writers are so cool. They would totally be welcome to drink a Mountain Dew with our Science Fiction Club because they are just like us. I bet they are 14-years-old too, because they are so smart. All the characters have names like "Trinity," "Morpheus," "Neo," and "Cypher." In the robot-vampire novel I am going to write, I have a character named "Cypher" so you know they are creative and not just naming people "Bob" or "Angela." The whole movie is cool like that, like they think up cool names for stuff and make everything look really cool.
Even though there aren't vampires in it, everyone looks like one. And they act all dead and serious, like vampires. Plus, they filmed it all in blue light like all the cool movies are, and they all wear sunglasses. So, maybe they really are vampires, but they don't say it. It's also cool because some of it is a movie about spaceships, and some is about robots, and some is about gun fights and they never ever explain why. They are totally messing with our heads and that is so rad. I bet they want to freak out the dumb people.
Brandon from the Club didn't like it because he is stupid. He said that he thought the movie was lame and didn't make any sense and the characters were flat and not believable. What a retard! He's the lame one because he is so dumb. I hope he quits the club. Just because the stupid people don't get it doesn't mean that the moviemakers didn't. I'm going to watch it a bunch more times and then I will totally understand everything.
The movie is totally rad because it is about everything that all of us in the Sci-Fi Club always think about, and if you write a movie about what we like, you know it will be really deep. It's totally philosophical, you know, and in our Club we get really intellectual. People think just because we are young, we aren't very deep, but we totally are. Like, what if the world is just a fantasy that you are imagining, or what if you are a figment of someone else's imagination? Think about it, man. That is totally so true if it were true. The Matrix is completely like this web of lies that our parents and teachers put on us. They don't even know how hard it is growing up in the 1990s, so they just make all these rules and put us down. But, some of us see the Matrix.
Monica is this girl in the club and she wrote this story that was so good called "The Vampire Chamber" that was all about vampires controlling us without us even knowing. Monica and me might get together if I ask her, but I don't know because Mark said she is in this Marilyn Manson club with people from John Barth Junior High and I heard they sacrifice cats. Anyway, all the coolest 14-year-olds are always saying that we are being controlled, so finally they make a movie about what our club says, and it's so good. There should make more movies about what our Club thinks because I bet everyone would like them. And if you don't you are probably stupid.
One other thing that rocks is the hot girl in the movie, because she is tough. You totally know she is tough because she wears leather all the time and scowls. Anyway, the movie doesn't even waste any time showing her and Reeves falling in love because you know that people fall in love like that all the time. You just have to accept it and that's the way it is. Like when I met my girlfriend Christine when my parents put me in their Matrix and wouldn't let me go to computer camp and they took me to Yellowstone. I met Christine and we totally hit it off and we made out and I got to touch her boobs. And I know that even though she is in Canada and I am here, that she still loves me. I even wrote her a 24 page single-spaced letter, and she hasn't written back in four months, but I still know she loves me. I just accept it. And if she found out her parents were robots, I would save her. I told her so on page 13 of the letter.
Something else that rocked so hard was that they didn't even bother telling you anything about any of the characters. If you
The only thing I didn't like about the movie was that it said computers were bad. Maybe older computers are, but not the new pentiums. They are so cool. So are Myst and Doom.
So, in summary, this is the best movie ever made except for
some and if you are as cool and smart as the Raymond Carver Middle
School Science Fiction Club, then you will want to see it over
and over. It gets Four Starship Enterprises out of Five. I hope
the sequel has vampires. Also, thank you to my Uncle Filthy for
letting me write this. It was rad!