"It's the worst
fucking film of
What a fucking mess. What a sad, horrible, depressing pile
of shit "Superstar" is. I guess I figured it would
be, but still, it's shocking to see something that sucks so fucking
bad. If I had $20 million dollars, I wouldn't intentionally fuck
an audience up the ass. But, the dicks, pricks, assholes and
motherfuckers who made this unfunny disaster have no qualms.
Please, please, don't go see this movie, not even just to see
how bad it is. It's a crime against humanity and an insulting
exercise in ego by powerful, yet untalented people.
Briefly, "Superstar" is about a 30+ year old woman
(Molly Shannon) who pretends she is a big high school geek who
gets made fun of a lot. She dreams of winning her high school
talent show so she can be an extra in a Hollywood movie. She
also wants to kiss the school heartthrob (Will Ferrell). With
absolutely no suspense or drama, she does both.
Was it a good idea to let an insular Lorne "I've been
a fucking idiot for twenty years" Michaels Community Theater
make a movie without outside assistance? Hell no! The cast comes
almost entirely from Saturday Night Live, the most self-congratulatory
show in television history, and the one with the least reason
to be. The writer had already proved his incompetence with years
of SNL sketches and "A Night at the Roxbury" but he
is probably the best this little world has to offer. The director
is Bruce McCulloch from "Kids in the Hall," another
Lorne Michaels show (although one that was once pretty good).
This back-slapping, buttfucking tub of buddies probably just
sat around telling each other how great this movie would be and
never bothered to even try. "We fucking rule!" they
told each other. "We're on Saturday Night Live!" Hey,
kids, I got bad news for you. The only people still watching
Saturday Night Live are thirteen-year olds who aren't invited
to get high and have awkward sex in rock quarries.
Do you know who is on Saturday Night Live these days? It's
the pep club from high school, the kids who thought bumper stickers
were funny, and beling loud was funnier than funny ideas. It's
the pricks who wore "funny" shirts, crazy hats, and
were pyschopathic in their need for attention. As a result, the
movie they make is a collection of obnoxious, shrill brats wearing
"funny" costumes and hoping, hoping, hoping that you
won't see past the screaming and see how painfully sad it all
is. Only two people in "Superstar" seem like they might
actually be funny, Will Ferrell and Harland Williams. They aren't
funny because nothing escapes the black hole of Steve Koren's
script, but maybe they could be in the right movie.
How does it feel, Paramount Studios, to make something so
awful that you cannot even pretend it doesn't suck? How does
it feel to stick your filthy paws in the pockets of the working
people and take our money for something so godawful? Does it
bother you at all? Do you fucking care that kids were leaving
the theater crying because they wasted their allowance on this?
Do you think twice because I am now 80 minutes closer to death
and I have nothing to show for it except a headache and an aching
sadness? You didn't even try to entertain us. You just fucked
us up the ass, shoved our faces in the mud and walked away.
Steven Koren's writing is so fucking lazy that he forgot to
add punchlines to most of his "Jokes," leaving me thinking,
What the fuck? Oh, there's the laugh riot of the old lady saying
a dirty word or the comedic gold of an ugly dog. And how quickly
will we all forget Shannon screaming "I'm not a slut"
and then falling out of the confessional booth so everyone can
see her? Perhaps the absolute low-point is the two-minute long
scene of a priest eating dry toast. That's the sort of shit I
can't imagine anyone thinking was funny when they put it on paper,
let alone showing it to a studio, a producer, a director and
actors. None of whom stoppedf or one second to say "What
the fuck are we doing here? I am not proud of this." There
is one funny joke in the script, and that is that a couple was
killed in a River Dancing contest when they fell and the other
dancers, unable to stop, stomped them to death.
Koren doesn't bother making the characters' behaviors consistent
between scenes. He doesn't bother making their motivations clear,
except that this is how these stories always go so it's how this
one will go. He believes that something is funny if people recognize
it from something they've seen or heard before. Not for a single
instant does he try something new, or interesting.
Fuck you, Mr. Koren.
Bruce McCulloch directs with the verve and dazzle of a dead
goat. Only, the flies buzzing around the goat make it less static
than "Superstar." Maybe he became depressed and disinterested
after reading the script. Hell, I know I would have. But, the
direction is so lazy and sloppy that I had to figure out what
jokes the movie was trying to pull off. There would be hints,
but the movie never came right out and got to the punchlines.
Was it trying to be subtle? Not likely with a bunch of 30-year
olds in tight high school uniforms acting like they're in a community
theater version of "Nunsense!"
What is it like, I wonder, to throw away the opportunity to
make a movie, which millions of people would love to do, to flush
it all down the toilet like yesterday's hemorrhoid suppository?
Is it laziness that makes people throw shit up there when they
could have tried? I mean, despite the low-grade talent here,
they could have done better. What ideas got thrown out if the
shit in "Superstar" is what made it? My guess is that
greed and ego drive this shit. Paramount Studios has no interest
in presenting anything good when morons will just as likely watch
this. Prickmeister Lorne Michaels and his band of egotistical
asswipes have no critical faculty. They gave up their ability
to critique each other, because it would have meant someone might
tell them they weren't funny. And so, they live in their little
world, continuing to believe that garbage like "Roxbury,"
"Stuart Smalley," Coneheads" "It's Pat"
and now "Superstar" are brilliant comedy. Lorne Michaels,
get off the air, get out of theaters, and take your one finger
shit with you. Steve Koren, I hope your fingers are caught and
torn off in a chain-link fence before you can write another word.