Susan
Granger, the Queen of Quote Whores
Hey Whore, how's
the whoring? According to this week's Quote Whore:
Saving Grace
is: "'outrageously
good fun!"
The Replacements is "it's a winning
sports comedy about teamwork that should appeal to everyone whose
dreams never quite
came true!" (Like Susan's dreams of being considered halfway
credible)
About Space
Cowboys: "'Fun' is the operative word for this crowd-pleaser!"
The Nutty Professor
II is
"tour-de-force Eddie - all over the screen!" (She even
whores during her bad reviews)
Disney's The
Kid is "a
heart-warming family fantasy. And you'll discover why
the moon sometimes looks orange."
About The Perfect
Storm: "Hang on for
the white-knuckle thrill ride of the summer!"
The Patriot is "a stunning, sweeping,
spectacular saga."
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©2000 by
Randy Shandis Enterprises. All rights fucking reserved.
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This week:
The Replacements/Major
League
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Filthy says:
"It's like a rimjob from John Madden." |
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"Bad. Horrible. Lame. Just fucking awful." That's
what my boss said about me at my six-month review at the Family
Dollar. I was cornered in his little office with the walls that
don't go all the way to the ceiling and he dug into me like a
cheap whore digs into a vial of crack. He thought he was really
insulting me, shaming me into doing better. Holy shit, I was
disappointing the management at the Family Dollar with my "bad
attitude." Somehow, that is keeping the $3.99 umbrellas
from being properly stocked.
I pretended to be so disappointed in myself that I needed
some time off to rethink my career. Really, the only thing that
pissed me off is that I've been at Family Dollar for so long.
I've wasted six months in that shithole. Six fucking months wasted,
down the shitter, and all the hours I should have spent pursuing
my dreams I wasted jerking off to copies of "Hustler"
I shoplifted from the liquor store. Take a moment yourself and
think about how much of your life you've wasted tickling your
leather monkey (or for you ladies, the hooded stranger). It's
scary, huh?
Instead of pumping gas, my true calling in life, I've been
stocking Fiddle Faddle for fat housewives and sad teenagers.
I vow to make amends. From this day forward, I will cut my masturbating
by one-third and dedicate those extra eight or nine hours a week
to finding a gas station that wants me.
"Bad. Horrible. Lame. Fucking awful." Those were
the first words out of my mouth after seeing "The Replacements."
This is shit so foul I swear it came from the pot-o-lets after
Thornton's Hard-boiled Egg Days. Just like me and my time at
the Family Dollar, though, there's probably nobody involved in
this godawful pile who's proud. The only differences are that
nobody pays $4.50 to see me at the twilight show, and the grassfuckers
in Hollywood aren't going to change. Sure, they might feel some
remorse right after releasing this movie, but a week from now
they'll be back, jerking off for our dollars and splattering
the unsuspecting audience with more of their sickly come.
"The Replacements" is supposed to be about football.
With four weeks left in the season, the players are on strike,
so the owners bring in scabs. Gene Hackman, the coach of the
Washington Sentinels, brings in a ragtag team of ne'er-do-wells
and layabouts that he's had his eye on. These are undeveloped
losers, convicts, freaks and fat men, or as the movie puts it
"regular guys." I guess those moviemakers think that's
what the rest of us are, pathetic losers only good for a single
laugh.
The Sentinels only need to win three of its last four to make
the playoffs, and the scabs quickly lose their first game. Then
they go through team-building exercises that include the obligatory
bar fight and a bunch of guys sing a "Motown" oldie
together. And that's all they need to bond and win the next two.
Meanwhile, Reeves falls in love with the head cheerleader,
a woman so bland and boring that she should be selling Hot Dogs
on a Stick in Minneapolis. It's never clear why they fall in
love other than that Hollywood thinks they are both attractive,
and Reeves never even acts interested. But, there is a formula
that must be followed religiously, and so, as the movie goes
on, he mopes alone less, and spends more time moping around her.
Before the Sentinels can win the last game of the season,
Reeves job as quarterback is taken away from him and given to
the oily former quarterback. During that final game, the old
quarterback sucks leaky scrotum, and Reeves comes back to win
the game. Hoo-fucking-ray.
"The Replacements" is a fucking mess, stupid, insulting
and starring Keanu Reeves. He must be a real asshole to take
work obviously meant for Scott Bakula.
This is a movie for people who say they love football, but
don't. It's for the secretaries and gay office managers who only
watch the Super Bowl, and even then are mostly interested in
the snacks, commercials and half-time show. To anyone who gives
a flying fuck, the movie's like getting a mouthful of piss when
promised beer by your friends at the Arvada Tavern: bitter and
sobering. The makers do not respect football at all. It's as
though the director, sports-hating cave-dweller Howard Deutch,
watched a few NFL highlight reels and said, "Yeah, that
stuff is good, but we can do better if we just pretend there
ar no
rules and no laws of physics." The result is bullshit so
phony it's hard to cheer for the team that supposedly did them.
The movie's sloppily made, too. One football game shows the
field in bright sunlight while the sideline shots are in cloud.
In one scene, a player celebrates on the sideline at the same
time he is shown celebrating on the field. And for some lazy
reason, the head cheerleader has to hire a squad when there are
only four games left, too. What, are cheerleaders covered by
the same collective bargaining agreement as the players? And
the few weak attempts at stories for people other than Reeves
are embarrassing. They pop up, disappear, pop up and then are
gone.
John Madden and Pat Summerall are present as a pair of announcers,
and their parts are awkward, unfunny and unwanted. They explain
everything we see just so there's no confusion. "That's
a fumble," and "Touchdown!" add nothing but more
noise. I think the makers thought these two old fat men would
make the movie more legitimate, but that's like thinking seeing
Bill Clinton take a dump makes the presidency more legitimate.
While I didn't laugh once, I got the idea "The Replacements"
is a comedy. Those around me, a particularly dim-witted bunch,
wanted to laugh and even started, only to have the movie tell
them "No jokes here." And then the moviemakers had
the balls to think we cared if their lame characters won or not.
Maybe if they were human, but not since they're weak screenwriter
interpretations of some very broad stereotypes.
Who is there to care for? The fat guy who is so fat they make
fat jokes about him. Oh, that's good stuff. The crazy cop who
is so crazy he acts crazy? Hi-larious. What about the other fat
guys who are almost as fat as the really fat guy, and therefore
almost as funny? That leaves Keanu Reeves and the cheerleaders
for us to care about.
I can't figure out whether Keanu Reeves is the dumbest guy
in the movies or whether he is just really dumb, making his living
pretending to be the dumbest. His confusion in a story as convoluted
as the "Matrix" was understandable, but what the fuck
has him so confused here? The plot could only be simpler if the
team won the Super Bowl in the first five minutes and then the
movie ended. Yet he's still lost, wandering around mumbling and
slouching. He doesn't look like a quarterback, or even the 27-year
old he's supposed to be. He looks like an out-of-shape 40-year
old who is pissed that someone woke him from his nap.
I love skanky chicks dancing in short skirts. Good God up
in pussy heaven, I can't tell you how many dreams I have had
about them. But the girls here are too skanky, too unnecessary
and too underbaked. The movie keeps flashing to them on the sideline
for no reason other than to try to distract us. It knows the
movie sucks and a bunch of men doing bad imitations of football
players won't hold our interest. But I hate pandering. I like
a movie where the skanky chicks aren't so obviously just plugged
in to keep men from falling asleep, where they somehow are part
of the story, and eventually take off their tops and have sex
with each other. These girls just didn't cut it.
It's one fucking finger for "The Replacements,"
a movie that sets back the art of making shitty sports movies
by twenty years. I recommend you save your money and catch the
superior "Gus, the Field-Goal Kicking Mule" on Disney,
or buy "Let it Be" by the band The Replacements instead.
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