Fat Fucking
Hippie Harry Knowles:
Hey Whore, how's
the whoring? According to this week's Quote Whore:
A Whore is someone
who gives positive reviews in return for his name in the paper,
or in Harry's case, private screenings and free lunches with
the director. Harry says about Blair Witch 2:
"I do very
much love this movie."
And about director
Joe Berlinger, with whom Harry dined and got lots of explanation
about why it's a great movie, "Berlinger is a filmmaker
we need to keep our eye on."
Fuck you, Knowles,
you industry tool.
|
©2000 by
Randy Shandis Enterprises. All rights fucking reserved.
|
|
This week:
Blair Witch 2: Book
of Moviegoers' Remorse
|
Filthy says:
"What a fucking disaster." |
 |
Some fucker complained that I gave away the "surprise"
ending to Pay It Forward, which was that
the kid dies. It is my policy to give away the endings to shitty
movies, and I'm going to do it here, too. To be fair to the dimwits
and retards who are really excited about seeing Blair
Witch 2, I will warn you with a BOLD NOTICE.
Blair Witch 2 is a bad fucking movie, monumentally
stupid and unentertaining. It's damn near unwatchable, a buttload
of shit fired at the cineplex screens. It's gruesome without
being scary. It's stupid without being funny. It was written
on toilet paper by chimpanzees with diarrhea. Well, I wish it
had been, at least that wouldn't be so clichéd.
Four 20-somethings leave their Volkswagen Jettas behind and
head into the Burkittsville Woods in search of the Blair Witch.
They're led by a local kid who's profiting off his Blair Witch
Hunt tour program. The groups includes stereotypes of a Wiccan
(it's a type of earth-child fucking hippie chick who thinks she's
a witch), a goth chick, and a couple (the girl's pregnant) who
are writing a book about whether the Blair Witch is a true legend
or just mass hysteria (yeah, great idea, bet they were the first
to think of that). For some unexplained reason, this young capitalist
also brings a shitload video equipment. The five go to the haunted
ruins from the first flick to camp for the night. Once they're
camping and smoking pot and getting really drunk, another tour
group shows up. Our group convinces them to go to Coffin Rock
pretending they saw some scary shit there.
The group drinks unlimited beer and smokes unlimited pot and
yammers long into the night. When they wake in the morning, the
couple's research papers are shredded, the video equipment is
destroyed, and the tourists at Coffin Rock are dead. Panicked,
the group doesn't leave, they go to the guide's house, an abandoned
factory in the woods, where suspicion runs high, characters are
guided by a stupid plot with no motivation, and predictably weird
shit happens.
Blair Witch 2 is nothing like the original. It looks
like a regular old USA Channel Friday Night bad movie, only not
that good. It is shot with steady, color movie cameras, using
traditional stages and sets. The original was, well, original.
This one wants to be too, but the makers aren't clever enough
to think outside the usual crappy horror movie clichés,
and the movie steps in old horseshit at most every turn.
Joe Berlinger, the director of this catastrophe, has gone
out and beat his drum for this movie. He keeps telling journalists
that his intention with Blair Witch 2 was to make a meditation
on violence and the media. That's just fucking great, but the
only intention that really mattered to me was my own. My intention
was to be entertained, and this spooge-wad failed. What the fuck
is Berlinger thinking? Is he so pretentious that he thinks entertainment
comes second and his well-worn idea of how media plays a role
in violence and hype are more important? And, if they're so fucking
important, why did he wrap them inside lousy clichés,
horrible dialog and a plot that makes no fucking sense?
It's like the director of Bride of Chuckie saying his
intention was to stop world hunger, and fuck the audience if
they didn't get that from the all the carnage onscreen. Well,
shove a twig up my ass, Joe, as director isn't your job to make
your point clear? I'm no genius, but if I was trying to say something
important, even if it was as lame and tired an idea as yours,
I wouldn't have buried it under a hard rock soundtrack, "hip"
young cast, gory blood, heavy drug and alcohol use and all those
unoriginal bumps in the night. I would have just sat down and
typed another one of my single-spaced five page letters to the
local paper (which, by the way, the bastards never print). It
would have saved me five bucks if you'd done that.
It's the type of bad horror movie where people get real suspicious
and start fighting with each other for no apparent reason. For
most of it, random shit happens without any plot progression.
There are "spooky sounds" and "spooky disappearances"
and "spooky settings," all of them feel forced and
like stuff we've seen before. Only the people onscreen get scared.
It's like Berlinger's saying "Hey, audience, look how scared
they are. You should be scared too."
The actors are all new, and terrible. They mostly overact
and pretend to be hysterical as they say "What was that?
I heard a noise," and "Something's not right."
The pregnant girl's expression never changes from someone about
to either shit or fart and not knowing which. Her boyfriend just
quivers with faked rage, and the goth chick keeps her smudge
free mascara on for days.
There's more blood here than what came out of my ass the time
I accidentally ate a pinecone. Lots of carving up bodies and
death, but that's not creepy, it's unpleasant and annoying.
The end of this movie is pure garbage, drained, strained and
shoveled up our asses. It plays like a bad snuff film with naked
people killing each other. Why? I have no fucking clue. You see,
the group we follow killed the tourists at Coffin Rock. After
they got drunk and high as fucking kites they get all wrapped
up in the witch's curse (or is hysteria because of the media?)
and go off and kill the helpless tourists. And then they start
killing each other. WARNING: I JUST GAVE AWAY THE ENDING.
What pissed me off about this is that it managed to be both completely
predictable and bullshit. It's very exploitative without making
sense or being scary. This ending says "Oh, by the way,
all this shit happened for this reason, but you wouldn't know
that because we didn't develop the story in a way that would
make that climactic or frightening." Why naked, why in the
house, why bother?
One finger for the tragedy of Blair Witch 2.
I expected it to be bad, but there is nothing that could have
prepared me for something this awful.
P.S. Has anyone else tried "True American"
beer? I bought a twelve pack because it was the cheapest shit
Arvada Liquor had ($3.49 a twelve-pack) and I have been pissing
blood ever since I started drinking it. I just want to know if
that's normal.
|