"David
Manning" of the Ridgefield Press
Hey whore,
how's the whoring?
Heath Ledger of
A Knight's Tale is "This year's Hottest New Star!"
The Animal is "Another winner!"
And several other
movies he's blurbed. Read the story here.
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©2001 by
Randy Shandis Enterprises. All rights fucking reserved.
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This week:
The
Animal
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Filthy says:
"Summer's here because the shit's starting to stink." |
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To the left, you'll see this week's Quote Whore, David Manning.
Well, David Manning doesn't exist. He was created by Columbia
Pictures when they couldn't find real quote whores to say what
they wanted you to hear. That's right, Columbia Pictures isn't
satisfied trying to convince you their shit doesn't stink. They
have to invent invisible "critics" to lie for them.
Screw you, Columbia, you worthless, dirty assholes. We know you
screw us on a weekly basis. We know you don't give a flying duck
fuck whether your movies are good or bad, just that they make
money. But we didn't know you'd lie to scam a few extra bucks.
It just proves why you're in the business: to shove your bony,
cold hands up our asses and yank.
This is worse sportsmanship than the time Lloyd pissed on
the shuffleboard table because he was losing and couldn't stand
it. This is worse than some late night huckster using lies to
shill some spray-on hair shit. We know he's lying, and he knows
we know he's lying. But you wanted us to believe you. The only
reason to make up quotes for the ads is in hopes that it'll trick
the unsuspecting to plunk their money down. That is stealing.
It's the worst kind of thievery, too: fat cats exploiting their
power to steal from the poor.
It never occurs to those grassfuckers in Los Angeles that
we are bored and lonely and want to be entertained. They never
consider that we love going to the movies, sitting in the dark,
handing over a couple hours wages for the slight hope of seeing
something memorable, something to make us forget that we work
at video stores and restaurants, our apartments leak, and our
cars are in the shop until we can get the money to pay for repairs.
They don't give a dirty rat's ass that the movies have always
been a refuge from our miserable, insignificant little lives.
To Hollywood's elite -- the executives who wouldn't even make
it as lawn at the Home Depot where we live -- we're just piggy
banks to shake until every last dime falls out. And the invention
of David Manning is their latest way to say "Fuck you, audience."
I wonder if Columbia will even apologize. Like the cowards they
are, they'll probably just hope this all goes away. But if they
do have any balls, they can apologize
right here. I'll print their apology if I get one, but
don't expect anything from that God damn soulless corporation.
They're too busy counting their pennies. You fucking cowards.
A lesser Hollywood transgression is The Animal. It's
really hard to write a review about a movie as lame and tame
as this, and I'm actually a little sad because even my retard
cousin Larry wouldn't go see it with me because it's Chocolate
Milk Day at the home. The Animal is just a boring, laughless
and plotless mess. It's the kind of bland, cheap movie Wal Mart
would make if they were in the lucrative business of making bad
flicks. Don't get me wrong, Wal Mart is a fine place to buy underwear
and marital aids, but I don't want that fat lady with the mustache
who stocks the office supply shelves making movies. And she might
as well have been behind the camera for this one.
Imagine, if you can, a movie so bland that Rob Schneider is
its biggest star. He is accompanied by Ed Asner (I thought he
was dead), Colleen Haskell (the cute girl from Survivor)
and some character actor named John C. McGinley. This group of
actors with no distinction do everything they can to make this
a movie of no distinction. Schneider is a wannabe cop in a small
town. Though a series of belabored, laughless scenes, we learn
he's a loser. While responding to a robbery call, his big break
with the police, he almost dies while responding to a robbery
call. He is saved by a mad scientist who replaces his organs
with animal parts. The joke is that Schneider takes on the traits
of the animals. . Oh, and what a fine joke someone must have
thought it was because it's all there is for the remainder of
this 80-minute movie that feels much longer. Schneider acts like
a goat, he acts like a dog, a horse, a dolphin, etc. Ha ha ha,
it's about as funny and interesting as Wal Mart's laundry detergent
aisle. No, wait, I take that back. Purex has given me more pleasure
than The Animal, and it brightens my whites.
The script, co-written by Tom Brady, Rob Schneider and an
untold number of paid hacks who don't have their name on the
final product, is just a mess. Even if you think the gag of Rob
Schneider wanting to hump goats and making crazy animal noises
is funny, you won't think that after the 30th fucking time this
script throws it at you. It's just the same gag over and over
and, because it was so fucking funny when he humped the mailbox,
over once more. Oh, there's a little bit of plot right at the
end, but it feels more tacked on than the espionage subplot in
Candy Bottoms' Pussy Huntress Goes Oriental. For those
who don't remember, that was where the big-dicked inspectors
had to probe Candy for the hidden microfiche, resulting in an
eight-way suckoff. They never do find the film, even though they're
wonderfully thorough.
Director Luke Greenfield never gets the movie's one gag right,
even though he's given plenty of chances. The movie is shot with
the shoddy quality of a safety instructional video. Every scene
has the same unimaginative, static look. The sets are cheap,
the acting subpar, and he seems to be perfectly happy with the
first take of every scene. Well, I assume it's the first take.
If this acting and timing is the result of practice, then Revolutions
Studios is letting anyone make movies and we need to see how
much money they'll give us.
Colleen Haskell was sort of hot on Survivor, but only
a movie that needs stunt casting would hire her. She's an awful
actress with one reaction; a big smile that gets old fast. Her
line readings are stiffer than my dick used to get just hoping
her little bikini top would fall off on that deserted island.
But the makers of this movie aren't looking for quality. They
figured she would draw people out of curiosity and she was probably
dirt cheap to hire compared to a real actress. Schneider is dull
and lame. He might have once been funny, but this movie tames
him down in a desperate hope that someone will actually care
about him. Try as they might, there are few people less inherently
likable than him. And Ed Asner? What the fuck? Did he work cheap,
like in exchange for free access to the lunch wagon? Why haul
this fat carcass out of the deep freeze? Nobody wants to see
him.
A little note about Revolutions Studios. This is a new company
headed by some jackass who used to be at Disney. They specialize
in underestimating our intelligence and so far have released
this turd and the brain-dead Tomcats. They're the new
Destination Films:
shit on a spool.
The Animal is a One Finger dog. Sorry I can't
be more emotional about it, but a movie this bland and dull offers
as little inspiration as it does laughs. besides, I am pissed
about something else right now. Fuck you, Columbia, you thieving
bastards.
Want
to tell Filthy something?
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