The Most Despicable People of All Time - The Big Empire

The 100 Most Despicable People of All Time

The Big Empire salutes the 100 Most Despicable People of All Time. These are people whose cruelty, nauseating cuteness, or all-around creepiness have netted them a position in immortality. The list includes people you may not know, because not only the rich and famous are wicked and cruel. On those names you don't recognize, you'll just have to take our word that you don't ever want to meet them. The number in parentheses after each name is the number of votes each despicable person got from our panel of experts.

100. Dave Barry (4) - Until he gives Brett "alert reader" status, we will hate him
99. Joe McCarthy (5) So jerky!
98. Little Jimmy Filmstrip, the inane mascot of AMC Theatres (5) Grrrrrrrrrrr!
97. The cast of Saturday Night Live (6) Revolting!
96. Dr. Evil ( 6) Evil! Really Evil!
95. Jeffrey Katzenberg (6) Eisner was right on the money about this midget.
94. Dr. Kevorkian ( 7) Deadly!
93. Xerxes of Persia (7) Despotic!
92. The developer who built Vista Shores over part of Muir Woods (8) Feeble-minded!
91. The Joker (8) Villainous!
90. Benedict Arnold (8) Turn-coat!
89. Richard Wagner (8) Creepy!
88. Philip of Macedonia (9) Greedy!
87. Aaron Spelling (9) - First Charlie's Angels, then Tori. What could his devious mind have planned next?
86. Dr. Goldfoot (9) for the abomination that was the bikini machine.
85. Dr. No (10) for being so goshdarn negative.
84. Rob Schneider (10) - He's the only person in America who has to get better to be as funny as Adam Sandler.
83. That punk kid that Dirty Harry had to blow away (10) The only good thing to be said about him is that he made Dirty Harry's day.
82. Lex Luthor (10) Scheming!
81. Jim Carrey (10) Putrid!
80. Daddy Warbucks (10) - He has no pupils! That's just plain unnatural.
79. Don Rickles (10) Mean!
78. Augusto Pinochet (11) Malevolent!
77. Nora Ephron (10) Icky!
76. Dan Ackroyd (10) for believing he can represent the blues.
75. Jerry Lewis (10) because even though he's adored by the French, he's still not a nice man.
74. Howard Stern (10) for making the FCC require that any list of influential people include his name.
73. Phil Knight (11) for amoral business practices and being such a visible embodiment of insatiable corporate money-grubbing.
72. Danielle Steel (11) for writing so many volumes of total crap.
71. Hillary Rodham Clinton (12) for trying to ride sympathy to a senate seat, though she's no angel herself.
70. Jeff Bezos (12) for being inescapable.
69. Ronald Reagan (12) for being such a creepy, sleazy, deficit-spending head of a nation.
68. Tom Shane (12) - No matter what he says, he ain't no friend of mine.
67. Peter Frampton (12) for his own excessive guitar noodling.
66. Lenny Kravitz (13) for ripping off the excessive guitar noodling of dead people.
65. Zack de la Rocha of Rage Against the Machine (13) for being such an obvious poseur.
64. Justin from "The Real World" (13) - That backbiting little bitch! I thought he was the normal one.
63. Al Capone (13) for besmirching Valentine's Day with gangster gore.
62. Madonna (14) for the whole pointy boob debacle.
61. The security guard at Stanford (14) for trying to take away my skateboard when I was 15.
60. Mel Sharples (15) - Vera was a sweetheart, but you wouldn't know it talking to this jerk.
59. Gene Roddenberry (15) for creating a monster.
58. Saddam Hussein (15) for tryin' to mess with the U.S.A. ... U!S!A! U!S!A!
57. Ryan Keith (16) for being the snootiest kid in the UC Irvine Civil Engineering Program
56. Maria Salas (16) for being such a toadying, disgusting quote whore.
55. Bill Gates (16) - One can't help but feel that someone so rich is despicable for not just giving away, like, a billion dollars.
54. Colonel Sanders (17) for killing more people than the Marlboro Man and Joe Camel combined.
53. Ted Turner (16) for colorizing Casablanca, that doof!
52. George Bush (17) for being such a creepy, sleazy head of a nation.
51. Jack the Ripper (17) for disemboweling women and then having a whole episode of "In Search Of" devoted to him.
50. Rob Proctor (18) According to him, every single one of you has an attitude problem.
49. Mohammar El Quadafi (18) - That bombing pipsqueak tried to mess with the USA! Freakin' Libya! Huh!
48. Paul O'Neill (18) He's an arrogant fuck.
47. Randy Shandis (18) - This one goes without saying.
46. Emperor Hirohito (18) Remember the Arizona!
45. Ignatz Mouse (19) - Although at times he's sweet, he really shouldn't always hit Krazy Kat with a brick.
44. Slobodan Milosevic (19) - Why couldn't the evil, genocidal dictators be named John Smith once in a while? It would make our lives so much easier.
43. Jim Davis (19) Somebody shove Garfield up his ass. Even he knows his strip isn't funny.
42. King Nebuchadnezzar (19) Because he believed he was greater than God, God made him act like a cow. Ah, comeuppance!
41. Little Monkey on Super Mario 64 who steals Mario's hat (20) - Mario looks really dumb without his hat, and besides, it doesn't belong to the monkey.
40. The women who wrote the song "Happy Birthday To You" (20) - Enough already!
39. The Staff of Gaming Today (20)- We're probably legally obligated not to accuse them of stealing from us, but they did!
38. Whichever cab driver happens to be honking his or her horn somewhere in New York City right at this moment (20) - That terrible sound bores into our brains.
37. Sam Degennicus (21)- I don't know if that's how his last name was spelled, but this pretentious, long-haired phony had the girls at my school fooled.
36. Harry S Truman (21) He unleashed the destructive power of the nuclear bomb on the civilians of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
35. King Herod (22) You have to be pretty damn insecure to go around killing babies.
34. All the girls that told Brett to get lost in the past millennium (22) - That list is pretty long; it will probably only be surpassed by the number of girls that will tell Brett to get lost in the new millennium
33. Bjorn Borg (22) We hold him personally responsible for that damn hairstyle now used by such asses as Don Sutton and Kenny G.
32. Don Sutton (22) "a classless jerk," LA Times letters to the editor, October '99
31. The makers of "Full House" (22) It's horrible!
30. The makers of Soylent Green (23) It's people!
29. Will Clark (23) The Thrill may be gone, but we will only be happy when he is dead
28. Ben Affleck (23) We hope this smug, worthless frat boy ends up dead in a ditch, with a pitchfork rammed up his ass.
27. Queen Jezebel (24) Even her dogs hated her, except as dinner.
26. Adam Sandler (25) - He urinates on buildings (literally) and on movie audiences (figuratively).
25. Bobby "The Brain" Heenan (25) - He always used to cheat to win--always!
24. Nero (25) He didn't even fiddle particularly well.
23. Roger Smith of General Motors (25) The cowardly prick refused to grant Michael Moore a personal interview.
22. O. J. Simpson (25) - What, you think he's on this list because of his Hertz commercials?
21. Jesse Helms (25) - He embodies the worst of self-righteousness, while we represent the best of it.
20. Cardinal Richilieu (26) - We've had enough of his power mad antics!
19. Dr. Shrinker (26) - He made everyone feel so very small.
18. Jim Jones (26) He inspired a generation's worth of tacky Flavor-Aid jokes.
17. Marie Antoinette (26) - That "cake" comment was just so bitchy! And, we hate her for flaunting that nobility crap right into her grave,
16. Those kids who don't let the rabbit eat Trix (27)- After all these years, would it kill them to show a little mercy?
15. Richard Simmons (28) A little known fact is that the punishment on the fifth circle of Hell is forced viewing of "Sweatin' to the Oldies II."
14. Lucille Ball (30) - She is so unfunny that it kills us.
13. Christopher Columbus (30) What he really discovered was how to kill the native peoples of the New World.
12. Walt Disney (30) -His vision had the innate potential of being twisted into the disease of corporate greed that his name now represents.
11. The Emperor Caligula (31) - Emperor Caligula believed that being the leader of his country gave him the right to bend sexual mores around himself. And, according to many eminent historians, he was one skanky ho.

10. Judas Iscariot (31)
Faster than you can say "thirty pieces of silver," this disloyal son of a bitch betrayed Jesus to the Romans. That was not a good thing to do at all. Anyway, what could thirty pieces of silver get you back in those days? A pack of gum? However, unlike everybody else on this list, he was finally sorry for what he did and hung himself.

9. Pat Buchanan (32)
Each time this intolerant boob runs for office, imagining what life would be like under his thumb scares the poop out of me. He promises to make the presidency "a bully pulpit" for his own backward set of values. That means hard times for anyone who doesn't look like Heidi's grandfather (see #1). And the worst thing is that he keeps repeating "bully pulpit" over and over, and it's really super annoying. I'd like to bully pulpit him!

8. Mike Piazza (35)
Not only is this bum incapable of throwing out baserunners or stopping low pitches, but his hair looks like somebody's guinea pig climbed up on his head and crapped down his neck. Perhaps Mr. Piazza ranks as so despicable because a large fraction of the selection committee had to see him naked in the Mets clubhouse earlier this year. His doughy belly and glazed-over stare make an indelible impression. Mr. Piazza is the epitome of stupid and arrogant, while being an ugly son-of-a-bitch.

7. Tommy Lasorda (40)
Tommy Lasorda is fat and evil, in that order. He forced his way into our world in 1927, and God only knows when we'll be rid of his sorry and blubbery ass. In 20 years with the Dodgers, he took baseball's best farm system and made them perennially mediocre. Also, during that time, he was more interested in being America's most disgusting celebrity than a manager. Of late, Tommy hasn't been getting enough pasta, so he's been shoving his foot in his mouth by spewing lies about how he illegally signed a 15 year old Cuban kid. We don't want to guess what else Tommy did to him.

6. Richard Nixon (40)
Tricky Dick was shady, shady enough for a whole damn forest. First, he was so power-hungry he broke the law, and then he was vain enough to keep thorough records of his illegal activities. Second, his antics disillusioned an entire nation and forced them to turn to disco and Gerald Ford for solace. Finally, if I have to hear one more person say, "I am not a crook" and wiggle his slobbery jowls, I will go nuts.

5. Ming the Merciless (46)
King Features Syndicates says Ming is a "Tyrant. Dictator. The most evil and most hated man in the universe," If the people who make the Sunday Funnies believe this, imagine what other world leaders think. Perhaps he is not mentioned alongside tyrants Slobodan Milosevic and Prime Minister Chretien because he's just too frightening. Ming is easily the most ruthless Chinese leader our experts could think of, and he apparently ruled in outer space. The history books say Ming viciously enslaved the inhabitants of Mongo, and then he started holding pretty girls against their wills. His dynasty is a chilly reminder that as long there is evil and outer space, we will never be truly safe.

4. Matt's mom (84)
Matt's mom has lived a nearly saint-like existence of giving to me and my three ungrateful sisters. But, when she was despicable, she was horrid. At age five, Matt was caught scrawling "Matt Loves his Mom" on a neighbor's wall and when his mother found out, she sent him to his room. And once she served "Pickle Surprise Meatloaf." It was awful, but worse still was that the "surprise" was the pickle. That's like Agatha Christie naming one of her mysteries "The Butler Did It." She has made Matt the bitter, incompetent prune of a man he is today.

3. Rupert Murdoch (68)
"For better or for worse, our company (News Corp) is a reflection of my thinking, my character, my values." -- Rupert Murdoch

Bringing crappy tabloid journalism to the limeys and shitty baseball to Los Angeles are the equivalent of pouring piss down people's throats while you punch them in the stomach. His greasing of LA Mayor Riordan's palm for $49,000 and his Sun's payment of $50,000 for photos of Diana smell of character and values about as refreshing as an armpit on a summer afternoon in Hong Kong.

2. Josef Stalin (110)
Stalin wasn't even this guy's real name. He only called himself that because it translated to "Man of Steel," or "Metal-head" or something like that. I'm not making this up. He was the type of guy who would plot to gain power and then kill all his friends because he thought they were plotting against him. That kind of behavior certainly doesn't get you invited to parties. He was also the type of guy who would murder millions of people, just because he could (see #1).

1. Adolf Hitler (185 points)
I'm no historian, but my response to this particular result was, "No doy!" Throughout human history, hundreds of evil, bigoted, murderous, greedy, despotic, chicken-necked rulers have wreaked havoc in people's lives, but this sicko sunk to new lows and became a brand name for ethnic cleansing and deranged fascism in the process. Not only did he attempt world domination while killing off anyone who didn't look like Heidi, he also irrevocably ruined khaki and Alsatians for everybody else. In the words of one Big Empire expert, "Man, what a fascist jerk!"

Other Villains of Note: Dianne Rheem , Any programmer for the American Forces Network (AFN), the guy who invented Muzak, Scott Adams, Andy Warhol, Charles Manson, the Marquis de Sade, The Bad, The Ugly, Steve Wynn and Jewel

On to Other Lists

©1999 by Randy Shandis Enterprises. Questions or Comments?