This week: X-Men

Filthy says: "It's like having Batman finger you."

I have a confession to make. I've always had a soft spot in my heart for comic book geeks. The little four-eyed losers are the only people that I can make fun of because they're the only rung lower in the social ladder. And I can throw shit at them without them ever retaliating. Instead, they just retreat farther into their little fantasy world where they rescue hot superchicks and then don't know what to do with them. With the release 'of "X-Men," though, my social ranking has dropped to the bottom. I am the Minnesota fucking Twins of the human race, a perpetual loser.

Hollywood thinks more of the comic book assholes than the underemployed gas jockeys. They must, or else they'd be making my dream project, an all-naked remake of "Little Women" and not the "X-men," a flick made to give guys who still live with their parents a reason to jerk off all over their mint, plastic-slipped Spiderman #37s. Is it a bad movie? Sort of, but it's better than most comic book shit.

"X-Men" is about a bunch of weirdos with supernatural powers. Unlike most superhero flicks where there's hardly any effort to explain the abilities, "X-Men" goes way out of its way to introduce us to these creeps from the Island of Misfit Toys. And the explanation is lame. See, the fact that a woman can control the weather and another guy is a sabertooth tiger is all about genetic mutation. They are the humans who are more evolved than the rest of us. To me that horseshit sounds like some writer got hold of a biology book, read three pages and decided to make some sort of "smart" comic. It's some sorry-ass explaining away. Hell, if Hollywood wants mutants with superpowers, they should stop in the It'll Do Lounge where bartender Bert can hit a beer can with a stream of piss at 20 feet. No shit, the guy has a prostate made of steel.

The government wants these mutants to be corralled and registered like Jews in Nazi Germany (the movie even makes this comparison for you). Two factions of mutants are fighting the government, the good mutants and the very bad mutants. The good are led by the bald and pretentious Patrick Stewart from "Star Trek" who has a school for mutants. And the bad are led by Ian McKellen, who can only muster the support of three other mutants, but can hire tons of engineers to build weapons of mass destruction. That's exactly the way fucking engineers are, greedy pigs that'll turn any trick for a buck.

"X-Men" does a fine job in many areas that make me think that Hollywood bothered listening to the fucking losers in their musty basement apartments. It's not dumbed down the way those salad-fuckers in Hollywood normally dumb comic shit down. In fact, the last time they were this loyal to a comic book was "Richie Rich" where they took a really fucking annoying comic book and turned it into a really fucking annoying movie.

The bad guys want to turn the world leaders into a bunch of mutants, and the good guys want to use passive protests so the guy with the frog tongue can ride in the front of the bus. The bad mutants plan to turn all the world's leaders into mutants so they can see how it feels, the good mutants are determined to show the world what a bunch of swells the freaks are.

I guess I like movies better when Hollywood just rapes the ideas from comic books, promises to stay loyal to the fans, and then churns out a really shitty movie that nobody likes. I like that approach because it tells me I'm not the only one Hollywood is happy to ram its money-maker up the ass of. And it reinforces the very comforting idea that comic book geeks are bigger losers than me.

There are other reasons, too, like when a movie isn't loyal, it doesn't take so fucking long to get all the non-geeks up to speed. "X-Men" spends almost 60 of its 93 minutes introducing us to all sorts of characters and mutant powers that I didn't give a rat's red ass about. Also, when Hollywood is loyal to comic books, they give us characters with blades that pop out of their hands, or secret caves and superjets with a straight face. Someone seriously thinks we'll suspend our disbelief long enough to buy a brawl between men named Wolverine and Sabertooth on the Statue of Liberty. In the last 30 minutes, there's a ton of fighting and special effects that didn't impress me much because they all seem so arbitrary, so "look at this big shit because it's big shit."

The volume of characters introduced here is so high that there are too many people dressed silly to care about. Each is given his or her own character arc and some opportunity to grow and learn from the adventure, but I couldn't keep them all straight. Which of the hairy faced guys had the big teeth and which had the steel bones, please?

I also found hard to believe that the world is opposed to mutants when mutant chicks are so fucking hot. They are the entirely fuckable Famke Janssen, Halle Berry and Rebecca Romijn Stamos. Janssen is the smart one, and they make her wear glasses so you can tell. Halle Berry is so fucking pretty I'd dig myself out of a grave to give her three minutes of my Super Bowl Shuffle. But she's hopeless as an actress. Good God, I have no idea what the fuck she's doing with her ambiguous accent and blank readings, but I do appreciate director Bryan Singer's decision to keep her silent most of the time. And why bother getting Stamos for the movie is they just cover up her assets with a really lame looking costume. This shit looks like a homemade job you'd see waiting in the line before a sci-fi convention opened its doors.

Hugh Jackman is Wolverine. Judging by the number of times he's shirtless, he's supposed to be the reason for girls to come this movie. He looks like a member of Flock of Seagulls with a drinking problem. He does a fine job with the role of a guy of an immortal with unreal strength and a metal skeleton. The wrestler who plays Sabertooth is fine too, if you are interested in watching a guy growl.

The rest of the cast doesn't have to do much. They're so busy trying to be dignified and serious in their silly costumes to do much real acting.

Two fingers for "X-Men," a movie that's probably got comic book geeks creaming their jeans, but will bore the normal people. Want to know which group you're in? Just stick your hands down your pants and see.

Note to comic book geeks: Any inaccuracies in this review are accidental and because I don't give a shit about comic books, and I never will. Don't fucking e-mail me with corrections or opinions. Instead, spend that time fixing your Geocities "Tribute to Star Trek's Data" web page.

 

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