Critic is taking the week off because he deserves it. His nephew,
Jimmy Critic, is filling in. Jimnmy is a student at the local
community college who has filled in before and is possibly overqualified
to review Watchmen.
Greetings from the
grim netherworlds of western Arvada. I am Jimmy Critic, Master
of the night, Dark Ruler of the Nocturnum. If I could magically
appear frm the dark ether in front of you I would. But I have
no idea what time of day you're reading this, and I also don't
know how to magically appear. Yet. I am a student of the dark
arts, though, so don't sleep too well tonight. I know it has
been a long time since I last spoke with you all. No fault of
my own. It's just that certain someone around here who shall
go nameless really gets his panties all bunched up if he has
to share the limelight. That same certain moron wouldn't have
to, either, if it weren't recycling week and he hadn't turned
in enough aluminum cans to go on an epic bender.
His loss is your
gain, of course, since I am far better suited to review
Watchmen than he could ever be. First of all, he's a jerk
who thinks the best comics are the ones used as filler in the
classified ads, like Nancy and Tumbleweeds. Second,
I'm a genius. I first made my debut here in 1999, with a review
of The Matrix when I was a 14-year-old treasurer of the
Raymond Carver Middle School science fiction club. One accounting
scandal and six schools later, I'm still here. Now a fifth-year
student at Red Rocks Community College, in a self-designed program
that will culminate in a doctoral degree in lycanthropy. The
professors at RRCC claim you can't earn a Ph.D. in junior college,
but they haven't seen my dissertation yet. Not the essay, written
in blood. Not the accompanying music I wrote all by myself.
And not the life-size diorama worth over $100 that currently
resides in my mother's garage.
One of the things
I noticed in my old reviews is how childish I sounded. Don't
misunderstand me, I was correct. The Matrix is among
the greatest achievements of mankind. Now that I'm older and
way, way, way more mature, though, I know it isn't the all-time
greatest. There are far bigger accomplishments. Like Akira,
Mountain Dew Code Red and inventing Call of Cthulhu.
Also, RRCC has something called the Society of Creative Anachronism
that is probably more rad than you will ever be. So, don't even
try. And don't throw milk bottles at us when you see our local
Baronie fighting in the park (see previous reference to my scientific
work on being able to magically appear in your bedroom in the
dead of night).
I am much wiser and
more worldly now that I'm twenty-three-and-a-half. I can express
myself more eloquently, and using bigger words. I have drunk
beer. I have voted. I have filled out that card at the post
office and then hoped there would be a draft so they would give
me a gun. I have done other stuff. And I have become far more
tolerant of others' opinions. Way back then, I thought anyone
who didn't agree with me was a total idiot. I realize now that
we can disagree about something without you automatically being
stupid. You're wrong, but you're allowed to be wrong about some
things and it just means you're not as smart as me.
So, what I've learned
in the last ten years is that a mature man must be generous
in allowing others their opinions, and he has to choose carefully
the reasons to call someone else an idiot. Not totally loving
Watchmen is one of them. Seriously, it's so awesome.
It is so supercool you are mentally retarded not to love it
and know how important it is.
I heard two girls
say as I left the theater say, "Oh my God, that was so boring.
It was like three hours. The only good thing was that blue guy's
schlong." First, no it wasn't boring. There's a difference between
important and boring. Important changes your life. Second, yes,
it is not quite three hours long and I agree that, like any
movie based on super rad graphic novels, Watchmen should
be ten hours. If they can make a nine-hour movie where people
do nothing but complain about the Holocaust and some hippie-liberal
professor can make me watch it if I want to pass his class,
then they can make ten-hour awesome movies about superheroes.
Shoah is boring. Watchmen is not. Third, if all
those girls cared about is Dr. Manhattan's wiener, they missed
the entire point of his character. That is that in the future
we will all be made super-ripped and colorful as Easter eggs
by the miracles of science. Plus, we'll be able to travel to
other planets to look at humongous crystal windchimes, and barf
whenever we want. That would come in handy in setting the medieval
ambiance at our deep-fried turkey leg booth at the RennFaire.
Based on Alan Moore's
seminal (thank you, RRCC for teaching me that word) graphic
novel, The Watchmen tells the totally timely tale of
the Cold War during the 80s, and the world's fear of nuclear
annihilation. Nixon is still president, in his fifth term, Russia
and the U.S. are at the brink of pushing the button, and superheroes
aren't cool anymore. In the fifties and sixties, people dug
them. Dudes and ladies in capes with these sweet-looking eyemasks
that stick to your face without elastic bands were cool. By
the eighties, nobody thought superheroes were cool anymore.
I have no idea why not. It turns out the heroes were human,
conflicted and tended not to always work for the public's best
interest. Deep down, they were just like the rest of us. But
since YouTube hadn't been invented yet, they had to get their
attention by dressing up in tights and fighting crime instead
of whacking themselves in the nuts with sticks.
At the height of
the cold war, someone kills former superhero The Comedian. He's
not the funny haha kind of comic, like the awesome Gallagher.
He's the kind who kills innocents, rapes women and smells foul.
Like Dane Cook. This gets the rest of the semi-retired superheroes
worried. They haven't hung out together in a long time. But
now, they fear for their lives, so they reunite. First is Rorschach.
He wears a mask that is constantly changing into different abstract
images. During the movie, I saw in his mask two knights fighting
over a chest of gold, a sexy vampire drinking the blood of a
virgin, two werewolves fighting over the soul of an innocent,
and Neo and Morpheus discussing how rad I am. You will too.
There are also Nite Owl II, who is sort of like Batman in that
he is real rich and can make super cool stuff to help him fight
crime. And there is Ozymandias, a fey Swede who will kill you
if you ask him if he was in Ace of Base. There is the
supersexy Silk Spectre II, who is secretly the daughter of Silk
Spectre (no surprise) and THE COMEDIAN! Holy Druids! I remember
that powerful plot twist from the novel, but it still shocked
me to the very core of my malevolent being.
Most important, though,
is Dr. Manhattan. He's a guy who got trapped in a radioactive
lab and it turned him into a blue, naked Adonis who can bend
matter to his will. He walks around totally naked with his wiener
hanging between his ripply, bulgy thighs. He is bald and his
eyes glow like my nightlight. He shows no emotion and he can
teleport through space. So, like if someone tells him that only
losers ride the bus, he can turn their innards inside out and
then go to Venus to cry so nobody see him. That's what I would
do. Dr. Manhattan is what's keeping the Russians and Americans
from blowing each other up. See, the Soviets are afraid that
if they attack, Manhattan will walk over there and smash them
As those girls said,
Dr. Manattan's schlong is impressive. I don't think I have ever
seen a blue penis for so long in my life. The director is Zack
Snyder, the guy who made the super-duper-important and life-changing
300. Losers said that movie made people gay because of
all the guys running around in their underwear. It didn't. And
neither will watching Dr. Manhattan's wiener. I think Snyder
just has a kneck to show the male body in a way that makes men
who are totally into girls, like me, admire them and sort of
wonder what it would be like to rub their hands over another
man's body, and to feel blue wieners grows and hardens in their
Most of the all-too-brief
three hours of Watchmen is not spent on plot. It's on
establishing the backstory of each character. As it should be.
We need to know every last detail of where they live, how they
stopped being superheroes. No matter how ultimately similar
each character's story is, we need to hear it in complete detail
because this is what matters in the world, to everyone. Except
idiots. In fact, the movie needs more. If ever a movie required
more scenes where people just sit around lamenting a time that
is past, it's this one. Stopping at just 90 minutes of them
talking about how secretly unhappy they are is not enough! How
about six hours? Or ten hours? I could listen forever.
The dialog in Watchmen
is so great it brings tears to the eyes of any normal person.
Rorschach is the best. He makes the longest speeches, always
to himself in voiceover. And I know they are really super great
speeches because they sound exactly like the writing in my Twilight
fan fiction. The characters in my stories always have really
deep and profound things to say and they do it like they were
tough guy detectives. Because that is so supercool and never,
ever gets old or belabored!
The Cold War theme
totally hits home. It is so timely and everyone can completely
remember how scared everyone was in the 80s, every second of
every day. I totally remember it, even though I wasn't born
yet. Neither were all the other rad guys in the theater when
I saw Watchmen. And the idea of conflicted superheroes
is totally as fresh as when the comic book was published all
those years ago. I mean, it's not like any other movie since
then has explored the idea of guys in tights who are flawed
and unsure of themselves. Certainly not Batman, Superman,
The Incredibles, Spiderman, X-Men, Daredevil,
The Punisher, Hancock and all the rest. Nope,
Watchmen is the first movie ever to do it. In the extreme,
superserious detail it needs.
The movie's best
scene is totally the one where Silk Spectre II and Nite Owl
II do it inside a superhero spaceship. It is the orgasmic explosion
that the comic book community has awaited for years. It was
so totally hot and everyone always fantastizes about doing it
with a superchick in leather in a spaceship. I actually did
this once, but seeing it here on the big screen made my craft
made from a refrigerator box pale in comparison. Actually having
a naked girl in the scene was an improvement, too. You totally
will not laugh at people in tights humping because this is a
look into the future.
As I said
before, Watchmen is not about plot. If you go in expecting
to be told an interesting story, you are a fool. It is much
more than that. It is like setting up a camera in the closet
of these people and spying on their lives. You see the truth
about superheroes, which has long been underexposed. It is not
a movie, it is an experience. It is not entertainment, it is
an expremely deep and three-hour-long superserious exploration
of exactly how important superheroes are. A phantasmagoric feast
for the intelligent and great. And if you disagree, you are
as stupid as my uncle. 4.998 Billion Cylons out of Five
Billion for Watchmen. It loses two million cylons for
being only three, instead of ten, hours long.
be my friend on Facebook.
My name there is "Jimmy Critic". Together,
we will build an army to take over the world. Jimmy
to tell Filthy Something?