G-Force - The Filthy Critic

This week:
G-Force

Filthy says:
"These rodents are from someone's ass."

G-Force is bullshit. It's bullshit piled on top of bullshit on top of bullshit with maybe a little cowshit mixed in and then all of that on top of a Burgr King milkshake, which is pretty much more bullshit. Disney took the audience's faces and shoved it way down deep in all that bullshit. This movie is one of the biggest, most heartless, insensitive "fuck yous" a studio could make. It's the ultimate in a cynical cash grab by a grassfuckers who would fuck you up the ass with a serrated blade if they thought they thought there was money in harvesting bloody turds. Fuck Jerry Bruckheimer, fuck "The Wibberleys", as the screenwriters call themselves, fuck Hoyt Yeatman, the talentless hack director, and fuck every shitty actor who cashed a check for appearing or voicing something that even a six-year-old can tell is a pile of crap. Fucking fuck this fucking bullshit turd.

With modern digital production, pretty much anyone can make a competent-looking movie. It takes a special level of indifference and greed, though, to create something as awful as G-Force. It's competent, but that's all it has going for it. This is supposedly a kids' movie, but it's been made with zero interest in kids. It's a comedy, but it has barely any jokes for kids. It has been manufactured with the assumption that all kids are fucking morons who will eat any plate of shit you put in front of them. Personally, I have more respect for kids; I know they won't eat any old pile of shit, unless it comes with a great kids' meal toy or methamphetamine.

Rather than trying to genuinely and creatively entertain kids, G-Force is aimed at the kind of parents who will take their kids to any dungstack that has cute talking animals It's scientifically blended to be the bare minimum excuse to get rid of your kids for 90 minutes. In this case, the cute talking animals are guinea pigs, probably because mice, dogs, cats, hamsters and rats have been done. The plot is a pile of bullshit about the rodents being secret agents for the FBI, and the only ones who can stop kitchen appliance/transformers under the control of a mad genius. In the entire movie, I never got the sense that a single person was trying to do something good. Just a lot of people doing the bare minimum. That works at Jack In the Box, but not in moviemaking.

A generic plot and the most obvious idea of talking animals is probably going to be fucking awful, but it doesn't have to be. Hell, a formula movie can be pretty good if it transcends its genre. That's what makes any good horror movie worth watching. And there are a lot of great moviemakers who start with genre and then twist it up like the intestines of a fast-eating hound. G-Force has no interest in doing any twisting, any stretching or anything else that would require a thought beyond the most obvious and trite. But that's not even the worst thing about this turd.

The worst thing is that the fuckwads who made it didn't even, for one second, try to make a movie for kids. They just took their stupid fucking action-movie formula and then wrote the easiest, laziest, shittiest script they could... well, not imagine, because there is no imagination here. The plot is driven by typical Bruckheimer explosions and shit, which are neither funny nor clever. They aren't tailored for kids because that would mean daring to do something different. Instead, they are the same old bullshit, but with rodents instead of humans. Crashing cars, transforming crap, high-tech satellite bullshit. The few jokes the movie has--and it has way too few for a movie about secret-agent guinea pigs--are tired-ass pop-culture references of Paris Hilton and other crap kids don't care about. They were written by lazy-ass screenwriters who don't think like kids and aren't trying to entertain kids. They're just trying to write bullshit that will get produced by the grassfuckers in Hollywood. They fail at being hip, funny and smart. They succeed at sounding like the most annoying "friend" you know on Facebook who thinks he's a card.

The characters are as bland and obvious as possible, by design. Tracy Morgan plays the sassy, jive-talker. Penelope Cruz plays the sexy, accented one and Sam Rockwell is the earnest, hard-working one. To further the stereotypes, Steve Buscemi is the hothead and Jon Favreau is the tough-acting-but-really-sensitive one. These could be the characters in a very bad cop-drama TV pilot or in a crappy prison-break movie. They are from in the "Bad Screenwriter Handbook" for action movies/prison break thrillers and cop-drama TV series, which was relied on religiously for G-Force. Once again, they aren't for kids, just for convenience.

You know, making shitty movies for adults is a pretty sad way to make a living. Nobody sets out to do that, but many are greedy and lame enough to do it. But there is a special place in hell for people who knowingly producing bullshit for kids. It's full of people who are so wrapped up in their superficial, bullshit lives they forgot what it's like to be a kid. They forgot that kids haven't fucked anyone over or gotten lazy yet. That kids may be more easily entertained, but also way more impressionable. That there's a reason you should be ashamed to take candy, money or the time of little ones, no matter how easy. Fucking Bruckheimer/Yeatman/Wibberleys don't give a fuck. They're too busy planning a sequel, and they don't intend to make it any better if they don't have to. One Finger for G-Force, the soul-sucking demon after your kid.

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