shitty-looking movie starring an appealing actor is like Hell
with free donuts. Yeah, I know, everyone says it's hot and
that whole eternal damnation thing sucks. But, come on, man, free
donuts. How bad can Satan be if he's giving away free donuts?
Big Bounce, Owen Wilson is free donuts. The rest of the movie
is Eternal Damnation. Just like I can't go past a dumpster without
rustling around inside for a few minutes, I couldn't resist the
offer of free chocolate long johns. And now I pay forever.
Did you ever
want a Jimmy Buffett song to come to life? Me neither. Fuck that
"Cheeseburger in Paradise" shit. His fans are mentally lazy, and
dream of being physically lazy. Seriously, if you're going to
fantasize, why limit yourself to a world where sucking umbrella
drinks on a tropical beach is the goal? You can be anything in
your own fantasies. Me, I dream of finding the cure for cancer--with
my dick... sandwiched between two naked Red Rocks College coeds
sucking Tootsie Pops. And sometimes I fantasize that I can stop
bullets with my nuts.
dreams are the low-rent fantasies of dullard secretaries and boorish
engineers whose real delusions are that the "You Want it When???"
posters and Hawaiian print shirts they wear on Casual Fridays
make them fun and laidback. You know what's fun? Taking a crap
in their desk drawers. Then you see how laid back they are.
Bounce isn't based on Jimmy Buffett's output (it's Elmore
Leonard), but it's the sort of lazy, postcard-deep horseshit his
fans pay him to dream for them. No depth, no meaning, no Tootsie
Pops. Owen Wilson plays a petty thief living in Hawaii, a place
where apparently even the poorest dirtbag can afford an apartment
opening onto white sandy beaches. After being fired from his job
as a construction worker for taking a baseball bat to the foreman,
he connects with his rich ex-boss's mistress (Sara Foster). Morgan
Freeman plays a local judge who doesn't prosecute Wilson for his
bat attack and who takes a curious attachment to him. Well, it's
supposed to be curious, but in a "con" story this bad, the most
innocent-looking character is always the biggest schemer.
to steal $200,000 from the rich developer and talks Wilson into
aiding her. Once that slim bit of story is established, the movie
wanders like a drunk in quick sand. It's supposed to be establishing
Wilson and Foster's chemistry, or showing it off. In either case,
it's pretty fucking awful. How much chemistry can you have between
an actor who clearly doesn't care and an actress who does all
her line readings like she's talking to a mirror? A lot of time
is squandered showing us that Foster is "turned on" by the criminal
type, and Wilson stealing cars and breaking into homes to get
her juicy wet. Not that we get to see anyone actually doing it.
The scenes pile up like dirty laundry; each smells a little but
the accumulated pile really stinks.
This is a
really short movie. Maybe 80 minutes. I think that's because they
left all the plot on the editing room floor and just kept in the
sunset and moonlight shots. Some of them would actually be decent
scenes too, if there were tension connecting them to what precedes
and follows. Every now and then I heard a line of dialogue or
an idea that deserved a better movie. In The Big Bounce,
the decent ideas and half the subplots are dropped faster than
a devout Catholic girlfriend.
finally culminates with the obvious big scam in which, of course,
everyone is involved and Wilson gets away with the money. I think
we're supposed to be wowed by the trickery and backroom dealings,
but I was left first asking "What the fuck?" followed quickly
by "aw, who gives a shit?" Maybe the Buffett fans will, since
the story is as lazy and shiftless as they wish to be.
charm is his loose personality and semi-stoned delivery. That's
funny in good movies. Here, though, he's not even trying to be
lazy and it gets old fast. Foster sure is pretty, as pretty as
any freckly supermodel with lanky limbs. She gets a shitload of
close-ups because someone on the crew loves her. She's a shitty
actress, though; fun to watch for five minutes, and overstaying
her ability by 75 minutes here.
I really hate movies where pretty girls are nothing more than
pretty, and their personalities and actions consist solely of
them knowing they're pretty. I have yet to find a girl (or guy)
who isn't fucked up for his own reasons, no matter how beautiful
on the outside. Why can't the hot girls be portrayed as fucked
up, insecure or at least more than just pretty? I think shitty
writing like this is done by hacks like screenwriter Sebastian
Guttierrez who never get to fuck pretty girls and then bitterly
assume it's because the girls are too stupid to hump them.
clearly mails it in. If he tried any less, they'd have had to
write the script around him snoozing on a sofa. He laughs and
acts light, like somehow if we think he's having a good time we'll
forget how shitty the movie is. That doesn't work. No matter how
classy Easy Reader is, he can't turn shit into gold.
Armitage can capture nice sunsets and pretty vistas, but so can
a thousand postcard photographers. He either has no sense of story
and character or let the movie get edited by some Hollywood grassfucker
who thinks making sense is less important that looking pretty.
And that name; it sound like the label on a line of dress clothes
from Sears. One week only--15% Off our Entire Collection of
George Armitage Sweater Vests and Polyester-Blend Slacks.
I'm sure there's
a better version of this movie out there, one that didn't have
its nuts chopped off in the editing room. I ain't gonna wait for
the DVD to find out. Once someone whacks me in the head with a
sack of heavy shit, I won't jump at the chance to get whacked
again when they promise less shit the next time. I learned my
lesson on that one.
for The Big Bounce. I learned a valuable lesson, and that
is not to fall for the free donuts. Run the other way when you
see them because one bite and you're going to hell.
Filthy || Want to tell Filthy