Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the First Annual Filthies, America's most influential movie awards. How influential, you ask? Well, you can bet your genitals that the actors winning "You Suck Smelly Ass" awards tonight will be excluded from Oscar nominations, as Hollywood once again takes its cues from yours truly, the Filthy Critic. This year, the Gala Event is being held right here at the glittering Ralston Amoco in the "Hollywood of Jefferson County," Arvada, Colorado. Dozens of celebrities have already stopped by for the event, or gas, including Arvada Mayor Roy L. Leonard, Volunteer Fire Chief Arthur "Cripple" Bennis, and singer Barbra Streisand, who has fucked up the ladies room something fierce, while her non-celebrity husband James Brolin continues to suck down our complimentary coffee. The evening is being catered by Tom's Snacks, who recently restocked the vending machines. Beverages are graciously provided by the Pepsi corporation, which is too fucking stupid to figure out that its machine is giving out free sodas. After the ceremony, several celebrity parties are planned, but I will most likely get drunk and then crash the PTA meeting at Armstrong Elementary and demand that they let me teach a class in art fucking appreciation. Please, everyone quiet down and take your seats. The show will begin as soon as your are settled enough to click on the envelope below. Seating in the garage/theater is limited. If you do not already have tickets or plan to buy them from me, please do not come! Randy Shandis Enterprises thanks the following corporations for their participation, contribution, or lack thereof: Oscar de la Renta Lincoln Motors No Excuses Lounge Speedway Slot Car Racing Arvada Triangle Barbers KUSA - NBC Denver  Want to tell the Filthy Critic something? ©1998 by Randy Shandis Enterprises. All rights fucking reserved.