Olympics.org- Everyone involved expressed shock this week when the U.S. Olympic Organization announced that Randy
Medal hopeful Randy Shandis practices his floor routine. |
"Money talks and bullshit walks," taunted Shandis as an obviously upset Kerri Strugs packed her bags and left the training facility. Shandis immediately took her locker space, taping up the faces of the other women gymnasts on the bodies of naked models.
"I have two goals for the 200 Olympics,," Shandis told reporters after removing "Nadia's Theme" from the communal stereo and placing in a CD by White Snake. "First, I am bringing the gold home for Randy Shandis. Second, I am going to get laid by some extremely limber and young women."
Kerri Strugs refused to speak to reporters as she left the training facility in tears. Four years ago, she was made a hero after completing a grueling performance on a badly injured ankle. She was touted as an "American Hero." Ironically, Randy Shandis also called Kerri Strugs an "American Hero" briefly before the court ordered him to stop using her image illegally on his porn site AmericanheroXXX.com.
"It's sad that Strugs fell so quickly from grace," said Shandis, "but you need to put up the cash to stay beloved, and I outbid her for the spot. I will be America's new sweetheart."\
The Olympics Organization said they welcome Mr. Shandis to the team and are excited about his dedication to the sport, and apparently his teammates. In a formal statement they said, "Ms. Strugs could not show us the ultimate gesture of dedication when challenged by Mr. Shandis. We believe it is his fiscal devotion that will help America win over the judges in Australia."
Shandis says he plans to attend practices for fifteen minutes in the morning, and fifteen minutes in the afternoon, at least four days a week in order to get ready for the events. "I have a lot of work to do," he said, "let's face it, I have never done gymnastics in my life. But, I watch a lot of hot chicks doing them on TV and I was a pretty good athlete as a kid."
Shandis is currently checking with officials to see if he can perform naked since "the leotards make my hairy back and belly itch."
