Mrs Filthy's "Real World" Review
October 26, 1999
Amaya may have put her life on hold for that empty-headed stripling Colin, but no more, dearies! This young lady is moving on, or at least that's what she has intimated to us for the last several weeks. Sooner or later, it has to come true, right?
As it happens, Miss Amaya doesn't take long to pick out another beau. This hunk of man-meat's name is Michael, and Amaya spotted him playing keyboards at a concert at Local Motion. She's been in the room with him for maybe two seconds when she begins to giggle and blush and point her wee finger at him. Amazingly, Michael does not flee screaming, but even hangs around to exchange phone numbers. I found myself asking what was wrong with him. Amaya's life is just rich with social interactions right now, as a matter of fact. She and Kaia have become a team, a "maternal soccer mom" and a "crystal lady" fighting life's little problems together. Electra-Woman and Dyna-Girl, watch out!
Kaia and Colin had planned to visit Maui, but once Ruthie decides to accompany them, Kaia bows out. To Colin, she cites money problems, but to us, the privileged viewing audience, she admits that she doesn't feel comfortable around Ruthie, now that she's palsy-walsy with Amaya. So, Colin and Ruthie will have to enjoy their little camp-out by themselves. This is my favorite part about the Real World, when the inmates split into teams
Colin and Ruthie have to dash onto the runway to catch their plane, but the pace of life seems to slow way down once they arrive in Maui, where the scenery is as lush as Ruthie once was. Colin's looking forward to just having fun; he's tired of being so profound all the time. Poor baby. Melanie, their hostess and a friend of Colin's family, has set up deluxe accommodations in the back yard. Colin and Ruthie have a blast, kayaking and snorkeling and staying up late to talk about friendship and trust. One particularly revealing thing that Ruthie says about Matt is, "He seemed so genuine." Note the "seemed."
Back on the big island, Amaya is practicing her breathiest voice in preparation for her first date with Michael. She's impressed because he, an elder of 29 years, takes her to Don Ho's restaurant. And, she wants so much to show Michael how impressed she is, she puts her face not even an inch from his, and she makes her smile extra-Vaseline-big. Because older people maybe can't see so well, she reasons. The first kiss happens within seconds. I can just see Michael thinking to himself, "What else am I supposed to do when someone puts her face so close to mine? Feed her?"
Team Amaya/Kaia discuss this successful outing, and Kaia tells Amaya that she can feel her energy. That's a good thing, evidently. Amaya is thoroughly enjoying her rebound with this shy, elderly Virgo. She doesn't want to even wait a few days before the next date. Sacre bleu! She's even willing to clean house for this man. She's even willing to talk more to make up for his lack of conversation. The things people will do for love
Michael comes over for margaritas, and with lightning speed, he's become Amaya's latest bed-warmer. We don't learn if she makes him kiss her bunny, but sweeties, I truly, truly hope not. But, if you think Amaya's budding career as a drama queen is winding down, think again. Soon after, Amaya finds a blister in a very tender and private place.
Sure, that could be pretty scary, darlings. But, since it's close to Halloween, I'll tell you something even scarier. Matt, of all people, overhears Amaya confiding her fears to her pal Pamela, and starts sticking his meddling nose where it doesn't belong. "Why do women go to a gynecologist?" he asks Kaia with attempted nonchalance. Warily, Kaia gives a noncommittal answer. Actually, this lad is full of questions such as, "Why are you not being more responsible with your genitalia?" Mon dieu, I can't think of anybody worse to know a girl's medical secrets.
Matt keeps trying to find out more about Amaya's problem, dropping hints to all of his other housemates. These hints have all the subtlety of a sledgehammer applied to the temples. Amaya is still worried and has made a doctor's appointment. She's so worried, she doesn't think twice before talking to Matt about it! Amaya has to distance herself from Michael while she awaits the test results. Michael, in reply, sends some orchids. Amaya likes this kind of separation.
Everything is okay, of course; the tests come out negative. Amaya's so thrilled she starts quoting Alanis Morissette, but not so thrilled that she tells Kaia right away. Kaia is a bit hurt that Amaya only appears to need her as a foul weather friend. Could this lead to the dissolution of Team Amaya/Kaia? We'll see, my little pumpkins, we'll see.
Who's Shirtless This Week? Colin appears shirtless once. Cupcakes, I really don't know what the problem is. It's May in "Real World" time, for heaven's sake, not January!
Real World Humor Tip of the Week: If you're looking for some laughs, call Matt up. The down side, however, is that you have to have sex with him first.
Real World Mystery of the Week: Kaia and Teck smooch repeatedly. Por quoi?!?
Most Annoying Character? Who does this sound like?
"I'm so over him. I don't need him. I'm moving on.
He's icky anyway" Amaya, hon, we'll believe it when we
Next Year? Laissez les bon temps rouler! I keep hearing New Orleans tossed around as next year's "Real World" site. Chicago is definitely out. Consider this my little contribution to the rumor mill.