October 19, 1999
This week, my dears, the six remaining cast members attempt to make up for months of aimlessness and languor by raising money for some children's charities. Local Motion is going to sponsor a big boat party, and the Real Worlders are helping to pull the whole event together. They choose two charities, visit businesses to obtain prizes and sell tickets to the shindig.
When Colin and Amaya visit the children at the Kapo'lani Medical Center, they manage not to traumatize any of the ill children, not even when Colin forces Amaya to do some bunny-kissing of her own. Is it right to subject some wee lassie to that sort of spectacle? The other charity is the Big Brother/ Big Sister program. Evidently, Matt volunteers for this organization, not because he enjoys it or anything, but because he was raised by nannies and lacked a good male role model.
After visiting the kids, Colin and Amaya visit businesses to get prizes for the party. Amaya experiences an anti-breast moment at the entrance of Hooters. "You don't care about it, because it's 'boobs'," she informs Colin. "I care because it's... ugh... boobs." She then moves on to criticizing the relatively less equatorial bustline of one of the waitresses.
But, ssh. Let me share a secret with you, my darling co-conspirators. This whole charity storyline is just a facade. What we're really in for is a good, old-fashioned, unenlightening kitty-fight between Ruthie and Amaya. Ruthie claims that whenever she tries to hold a conversation with Amaya, she receives only a gruff, monosyllabic reply. Amaya not talking? How very odd. It turns out that Amaya is "like... whatever" about the whole Ruthie situation. Amaya's resentment of Ruthie just seems to spring like a fully formed fungus from the soil. How did it get there? Why does it smell funny? Does it have a meaning?
Actually, maybe it does have a meaning. Ruthie and Colin have been quite chummy lately. Colin feels that Ruthie has really changed since her troubled drinking days, and he agrees that Amaya is being unnecessarily critical. When Colin's fellow Real World rejects, Trevor and Mike, visit, Ruthie wants to hang with the guys, because "girls are too petty." Colin is so anxious to be submerged in the world of men that he makes a handmade welcome poster featuring photos and a buxom female silhouette. Is Trevor/Mike a trucker? More importantly, are they the same person? After a little preliminary horseplay, the boys get down to business; Colin shows them the house.
I'm sure the visiting rejects had no idea that they would have to defend their lives against Amaya the rapacious she-wolf. Out of the blue, she threatens Trevor with knives, if he should try to climb in her bed. You know, I'm not entirely sure this is the most effective way to capture a guy's affection. Whatever happened to dropping a hankie? Amaya says that she now realizes just how young and dorky Colin is. But does she realize how young and dorky she is?
The snit between Amaya and Ruthie continues in true girlie fashion, although there are no knife-fights just yet. Amaya loans Ruthie a shirt. Ruthie plans to wear said shirt. Amaya then lets Kaia borrow the shirt. She must've thought that Ruthie would be able to go without. After all, when was the last time Kaia went topless? In response to Amaya's sartorial snubbing, Ruthie sings a verse of the classic song, "I love my roommates. They're such bitches." Poor Ruthie's just feeding the cute little fish and borrowing blouses; surely she doesn't deserve such shabby treatment.
Amaya's major complaint seems to be that Ruthie is laughing too hard at everyone's jokes. Amaya wants Ruthie to act like the hardened old harridan she is, for heaven's sake! No one who has just been treated for alcoholism has any right to act like "Miss Suzy Sunshine". Amaya then tries to convince us that she was invited to go out with Colin, his friends, and Ruthie, but she declined "for obvious reasons." Do I sense a little bit of resentment, Miss Storm Cloud Who Isn't Invited For a Fun Time With the Guys? If you keep rolling your eyes like that, they're going to get stuck.
Just for a lark, sans Amaya, Ruthie takes Colin and his friends on a moped tour of the University of Hawaii campus. As soon as she nonchalantly dismisses the security guard threat, I knew it was time to start looking for the flashing blue lights and shiny, shiny badges. The foursome is reprimanded like the criminals they are. Nobody seems very upset about this brush with the law, though. In fact, they guys choose to re-live their own personal "Cops" moment over and over again.
The night of the charity gala arrives, and about 800-900 folks show up on the party boat to dance, mingle and win valuable gift certificates. A good time is had by all; Teck raps, dances and testifies for money. Colin makes some sort of jerky movements, or maybe he has a seizure. Ruthie raps on stage. Even Amaya allows her head to bob slightly to the beat. That's gotta be worth something. The cast is able to present both charities with giant checks.
Who's Shirtless This Week? Colin and his guests, Mike and Trevor, are so obliging that they substitute their own shirtless torsos for those of the more modest housemates.
Real World Charity Tip of the Week: "Until you actually see their faces, it's just a thing," says Amaya of children in need. Well, my sweets, how can I argue with that?
Most Annoying Character? "Oh my god, she's so fake." Does that sound like a sentence that would come out of an un-annoying mouth? You guessed it, Amaya holds the prize this week.
Next Week: Amaya's on a hunt for the most dangerous game... man.
©1999 by Randy Shandis Enterprises. All rights reserved.