October 17, 2000
Blame It On The Mud Wrestling
Jamie's weary of the workaday, boobsy schoolgirl-writhing, cocktail-swilling life he leads with his friends. After all, he's only going to parties and staying out all night in order to please his Hilfigeresque peers. He doesn't want to "let them down," dearies. What a thoughtful lad! But, now he must say, "Enough!" Jamie's going to shake his anomie and get himself some spirituality, by hell or high water.
And you can just bet, my sweets, that his housemate Matt can smell spiritual flailing miles away. Mon dieu, he's like some evangelistic vulture! As soon as Jamie is suffering through a nasty ol' hangover, Matt sits him down to evaluate whether these "ephemeral pleasures" bring any true peace or happiness. Jamie is ripe for the picking, and Matt is hoping to be the one to pluck his juicy soul from the tree.
Jamie, however, doesn't fall into Matt's bushel basket as easily as planned, however. Jamie is in his "exploring every path" phase, and is much more interested in talking the talk than committing to some fuddy-duddy faith. He forces Melissa to sit through thirty seconds of contemplative Zen silence- for Melissa, an eternity! But, I have to give the ol' girl credit; she's not the one to break concentration. It's Spirituality Boy, who despite his wish to be "tuned in," doesn't seem to notice that Melissa has no interest in pursuing Zen philosophy. Jamie also brings home a street urchin, who attacks him with pillows. Go, street urchin, go!
So, Zen and charity don't lead him to the holy of the holies; Jamie decides to pursue another way- Julie! He begins by asking Julie's advice on asking grace before meals. Previously, Julie had walked in on the alarming sight of Melissa nuzzling Jamie. Jamie accused both Melissa and Julie of "needing a man," to which Julie replied, "I don't need a stinking man." Evidently, this was the answer that garnered our supplicant's admiration, because now he wants to pray over his daily ramen. "That's cool," he says, "I'm going to start doing that." Just like it was the hottest fad on the block, mes amis!
Before you know it, Jamie and Julie are discussing tongues and kissing styles: "trench tongue," nibbling vs. biting, the whole deal. Where, I ask you, is this sort of reference in the Scriptures? Well, maybe it's in the Book of Mormon; I've never made it all the way through. Jamie also boasts of his kissing prowess, oblivious to the fact that he looks pretty silly with slicked down hair- like Eddie Munster after he joins Sigma Chi. Julie is a little tentative, since she claims that she doesn't want to hurt Melissa. But Julie and her dilettante pilgrim end up exchanging some pretty significant glances, so I guess Melissa's pain doesn't matter all that much after all.
And once the mud pit out back is ready for wrasslin', it's all over, gang. When a guy and a girl wrestle in the mud, it can only lead to one thing- Jell-O Wrestling! Or, it can, I suppose, lead to smooching. Jamie calls the mud wrestling experience "primal" and also "animal-ly." (Note: do not ever EVER play Scrabble with Jamie, because he makes words up!) Interestingly enough, Julie shudders as she tries to relate her rendezvous with Jamie. Actually, I shuddered, too, during the smooching and smacking scenes. (Did the producers amplify the kissing sounds, or something? Tres horrible!) Jamie, however, has a jolly twinkle in his eye when he describes, "You get closer and closer and then... kiss!"
The aftermath is pretty anticlimactic; Kelley asks Julie to reveal all the icky details. Julie blushes behind her cute little kerchief as she claims not to have a crush on her "homie" Jamie, except that "he's hot." Kelley theorizes that Jamie is trying to catch some sort of spirituality bug by swapping spit with Julie. Julie just doesn't want anything to change in the house or in her friendship with Jamie. But she does come up with a catchy slogan for smooching: "It's just a good way to get to know someone!"
Jamie also revises his opinion of Julie. Initially, he thought she was naïve, now he thinks she's "deep" and "horny"- the ideal combination, oui? Even during JazzFest, he's obsessing about his transcendence (Music? What music?); he actually uses the laughable phrase, "existing on this higher level of consciousness." Julie tells him that he's trying to hard and missing the point completely. Jamie is chastened. With stars in his eyes, our little dabbler gushes that of course he could visit sacred places in Tibet or India, but he's learning so much from his horndog housemate Julie!
And what about Melissa? Once she realizes that Jamie is unattainable, she starts to explore other options, too. She tries to date another dark-haired beau, but as soon as she's taken the trouble to enter him into her Palm Pilot, she finds out he's seeing another girl! So, since the whole man thing isn't working, Melissa turns to art. After all, she tells the cameras, "I have to work on me." Who else would Melissa work on?
So, she corners an artist acquaintance named Lionel and forces him to give her studio space and mentoring time. What does this poor soul get out of it? He gets to laugh at her! But, I'm not sure that's a fair trade, because Melissa sees this whole enterprise as another way to exorcise her demons. "It'll be like therapy," Melissa chirps, and at that point, my friends, I would run away if I were Lionel. But, painting does seem to calm her down. Even Matt says that Melissa is easier to be around when she's painting. For one thing, she's quieter. Melissa shows her finished works to Lionel, and announces "I'm an artist!" It's a happy ending. Who knew that art was so easy, dearies?
Did You Know? Melissa sold some of her creations at a local gallery!
Who's Shirtless: Jamie appears twice without a shirt on his back, rivaling New Orlean's infamous exotic dancers!
Who Cries: Melissa is on the verge of tears when she thinks of her noisy little brain!
Most Annoying: If Jamie tries to cram one more New Age-y term into his vocabulary, his brain is going to explode, mes cheris! Heavens, my brain will probably explode if I'm forced to listen to anymore of that tripe!
Best Quote: "I've lost perspective of God," laments our soul-searching Jamie, who apparently was unsuccessful at finding God in a stripper's G-string.
Next Week: It's Matt's turn to fall in love; plus,
there are clumsy strippers on the "Real 7 at 77!"