October 12, 1999
Quien es Malo?
But of course Ruthie had to come back, my bonbons. When the producers finally subject us to this year's Battle of the Reality Television Superstars, it just wouldn't be fair if the "Real World" team had only a skeleton crew. And, Ruthie would be so very talented in the Distance Lapdancing event that it would be a shame to lose her. But, what exactly has Ruthie been doing with herself during the last month? There's some vague mention of a treatment facility and a new girlfriend, but Ruthie isn't revealing too much.
So, the roommates prepare to adjust to Ruthie's return. Teck, stripper scandals notwithstanding, seems pretty upbeat about Ruthie's return. Colin and Kaia are somewhat optimistic. Amaya is nervous, but who cares? We want the chill that only Matt's slobbering, slavering anticipation can provide. Matt tells the camera that he wants to focus on the future... and we can only imagine that he means a future with Ruthie. Forever.
Matt is so anxious to start his new future with Ruthie that he can't even wait until she gets home. He visits her and her apparently bedridden consort Malo in their hotel room and utters such toadyisms as, "I feel like I'm seeing a star." And, when Ruthie boasts that the women in the treatment center "didn't want me to leave", Matt drools, "I can imagine." Just in time for Halloween, my little pumpkins, something really, really creepy! Luckily, Ruthie's chooses to remain somewhat cautious, despite being showered with Indian gewgaws aplenty.
Ruthie says that she feels stronger and more herself after a break from the house. Her language is certainly strong, my pets. When she greets her housemates, she gives them all hugs, but seasons Amaya's hug with a "What's up... bitch?" Ruthie doesn't want to know how her roommates feel about her, she just wants to enjoy the house and to frolic with her new gal, Malo.
But, sweethearts, no frolicking goes unpunished, not even in this sun-kissed world of all-night dancing and all day loafing. You see, Teck and Malo have crossed paths before. They've crossed more than mere paths, they've crossed panties. And, Malo seems to still have an eye for our underweight Casanova. Is it Teck's egotism, or is it the truth, when he claims that Malo is using Ruthie to gain a comfy place in Maison du Real World and an even comfier place in Teck's pants?
Just in case the audience is unclear on the bizarre love triangle that is developing here, Colin takes a moment to define a few vocabulary words. I've included them here as a service to my readers. "Chillin'" as Teck uses it, means sexual intercourse. "Malo" means "bad" in Spanish. It also means freeloader, when applied to Ruthie's new friend.
Malo basically dumps Ruthie and denies having the hots for Teck, but she doesn't exactly disappear off the face of the earth. She and Ruthie still talk and go swimming. She pretends to visit Ruthie at a Local Motion event, but instead hovers around Teck like a blowfly ready to dump some eggs. Teck isn't having any, though. Ruthie isn't having any, either. Tired of Malo's duplicity, Ruthie ends the relationship and seems content to be single for a while. Matt delights himself by calling Malo "an obnoxious little tramp." Malo might be all of those things, but she's gone further with all of those attributes than Matt ever will with his desperation.
Last week, Amaya declared herself a free woman, but her stomach is evidently still mightily attached to the increasingly surly Colin. She can't eat, especially not after hearing Colin coo to his ex-girlfriend about a long, steamy sex dream. Amaya reveals later that she was bulimic in college, after repeatedly being called "chubby" by an insensitive boyfriend. Her stomach has bothered her ever since that time, but she's not bulimic now, she's careful to state.
The other roommates are not so sure. Kaia, sporting a tres chic Amelia Earhart scarf, and Matt have finally found another cause they can gossip about. With Ruthie apparently cured of her prediliction for hooch, Amaya's nervious tummy comes next on the list. Matt is all sensitivity as he recommends to an absent Amaya, "If you don't have an eating disorder, stop throwing up in our toilet every night."
Armed with this revelation, Matt goes on a radio advice program to teach the world about eating disorders. Understandably, she feels a bit exploited as a Victim of the Week, and even tells Matt right then and there that he doesn't have the full barfy story of what causes people to develop eating disorders. But, where will Matt strike again?
Who's Shirtless This Week? Now that Ruthie's back, the world suddenly appears a little less clothed. She and Malo frolic sans chemises in the pool, while Colin and Teck turn in solid performances (2 and 3 shirtless scenes respectively.)
Real World Medical Tip of the Week: If Amaya was writing the motto for the Society for the Prevention of Eating Disorders, it might run as follows: "Bulimia: It actually ruins your organs."
Most Annoying Character? Dearies, I was unsure who would receive the big razzberry this week until Matt went on the air with his Eating Disorders Spectacular. There is absolutely no topic for sanctimony he will pass up. He's a slut for Big Issues.
Next Week: The Real Worlders are forced to pretend they care
about poor children.
©1999 by Randy Shandis Enterprises. All rights reserved.