August 8, 2000
These are high times for David, my dears. Not only does he get his chance to produce "The Real 7," but his philandering is finally paying off. Mr. Muscle mentions that he hangs out with lots of girls, but Sienna is dear to his heart because she has connections. Never mind a sparkling wit or tender compassion, this girl can get him a gig! The gig in question is singing the National Anthem for the local hockey team, and David is sure that this will be just the jumpstart his nascent singing career needs. David auditions for the hockey people, and just to impress them, really works the whole enunciation angle. He looks like he's trying to swallow a hockey puck. Will the gap-toothed goalies understand his unique singing style? Will the patriotic spirit of the bloodthirsty audience be roused? Will David sing the actual lyrics of "The Star-Spangled Banner?"
If only "The Real 7" could go as smoothly as David's audition. David has convinced himself that he's working his tail off, but he's neglected to give his roomies any direction whatsoever, which is what a producer is really supposed to do. This oversight produces resentment on both sides. David imagines that he's the only industrious one in the household, and the other six are frustrated at being kept in the dark. Finally, David holds a meeting, but it isn't so much a meeting so much as a soliloquy. When Melissa tries to offer a suggestion (quite civilly for her, I might add), David just rattles on, barely pausing for breath. The blank looks on everyone else's faces tell the whole story.
And then, darlings, the inevitable crisis. David and Matt have scheduled a meeting with a local band, to prepare for the upcoming show. And, oh my stars, the girls and Danny have absconded with the house's only vehicle. Probably for frivolous reasons, too. David prepares to throw a tantrum. The others prepare for David's "Level 6" tantrum, mostly by making fun of David. Only Matt seems to feel for David, "It's not like they're dissing their boss. They're dissing David." Well, if I'm going to dis anyone, it might as well be David. If I dissed my boss at Hancock Fabrics, she might not even know what I was doing. I don't think she's ever even heard the word "dis."
Matt and David manage to meet with the band, even without the car, and Matt attempts to defuse the tension. Indeed, at the house meeting, David's monologue starts out calmly, and the car-kidnappers admit that they were in the wrong. It's only when he tries to assume authority that his housemates balk. When the Hulk speaks, everyone else is expected to accept his word as law. And, no smart mouths are allowed. When Kelley tries to explain her position, she is met with a snappy, "You talkin', babe?" The general consensus afterwards is that David has communications issues. Well, sweet peas, that's the polite way of saying what they're thinking.
This just wouldn't be "The Real World" without a wee bit of pop psychology, so we get to hear about David's lonely childhood, his absent father, his hurt mother. All of this is supposed to explain his reluctance to connect with others, his relentless flirting, his ambiton to render lyrics in modern languages obsolete. But, his history basically describes that of the vast majority of Real Worlders, so it's difficult to draw conclusions. Anyway, when David learns he got the anthem-singing job, he calls his mother so that she can witness his big moment. He's also relatively optimistic about his producing duties, so much so that he repeats the sentence, "I'm setting the standards," three times.
The show doesn't have any major glitches, and everyone is so relieved that they count it a success. And then, David appeals to their patriotic fervor by singing "Star-Spangled Banner," and well, my chickadees, he's the most popular loner in the house. And oui, David does sing the lyrics as penned by Francis Scott Key. Gushes Melissa, "There is so much more to him than playing women and working out." There's his misguided ambition and rather unsettling staccato singing style. However, he's still the one ambling off to be alone while the other kids are frolicking in the kitchen, the lone wolf in the sunset, as it were.
Did You Know? A tres adorable anonymous reader spotted Kelley and her beau Peter outside a local New Orleans bar recently. Not only were they fighting, but Kelley seemed to be sporting a new accessorycould it be a brioche in the oven? Zut alors!
Who's Shirtless: Everyone keeps his shirt on in the literal sense, if not figuratively.
Who Cries: David cries twice, both times inspired by thoughts of his sainted mother. You see, we're to understand that this ladykiller is actually just a big softie who wants to make his mom proud. Melissa cries, too, after hearing David sing and surprisingly, not because her ears hurt.
Most Annoying: Actually, the most annoying thing is that I seem to only have David and Melissa to choose from, week after week. The other cast members are basically MIA. How can a group of people be so boring that only David and Melissa are the stand-outs?
Best Quote: Just in case you think the ending of this episode is too warm and fuzzy, Danny shows us he refuses to melt where David is concerned. "It's too bad that someone with so much talent and so much going for him has to be such an asshole.
Next Week: Melissa is sick and tired. So are we.