Where we discuss MTV's Beloved "Real-Life" Soap Opera July 21, 1998  This week: Guess Who's Gay? Tonite's festivities open with the kids club-hopping and acting just crrrrazy. Lindsay sez she likes gay clubs, "because they're not so conservative." Stephen performs a Lindsay impression that sounds like a cross between Ed Sullivan and Carol Channing. Dave gets on stage with a survivalist transvestite, where they exchange their views on "sloppy kisses". Ms. Militia Thang is in favor of them. The morning after, Dave is shocked to learn from Janet that he kissed a tranvestite while blitzed out of his mind. Could this mean something? Hmm? Soon after, Dave meets an older man, Harry, at the gym. At this gym, everyone likes to show off his big ol' muscles. This is the kind of place Dave likes, because he just can't get enough of going shirtless at home. Anyway, this silver fox offers Dave tickets to a Sonics game, "his treat." Dave blushes like a silly schoolgirl, and offers to have a few beers before the game. Before the game, both Dave and Nathan primp and preen in the bathroom and gossip cattily about Stephen and other guys. Dave seems to favor the shiny look- shiny hair, shiny jacket; he's only missing the gold chains to be the brightest beacon of ostentatious machismo ever seen in Seattle. The silver fox is apparently some sort of Mr. Moneybags. He shows the guys around his deluxe apartment, impresses them with his multiple televisions, and wines and dines them. Well, at least he partially wines and dines them. They have to pick up a portion of the tab. After the date, Mr. Silver Fox continues to call Dave and recommends that they continue "to work out regularly." Poor Dave finds himself in a fix, and has to let the old guy down gently. Unfortunately, this doesn't change the fact that all his female friends at home still think he's gay. According to Dave, this means that "Everyone in America thinks I'm gay!" Our other candidate for obligatory gay RW roommate is Stephen. All of Dave's new-found friends assume he's gay. But, Stephen protests and says that he "just likes the scene". Even when he's moping over his ex-girlfriend, his colleagues misinterpret his personality. "Oh, but Aubbie (Stephen's boss at the lame radio station) said you were gay," posits a member of Superdelux. So, the world of bland pop music thinks Stephen is gay, gay people think Stephen is gay, and his roommates think he is gay. Stephen, however, sees himself as "open-minded". He confronts his blabbermouthed boss, who hems and haws, reminisces over his gay friend, Cedric, then decides that "he's just going to have to be ambiguous for a while". I don't think that anyone really knows what that means, including Stephen. The "wacky" portion of the show is devoted to a mangy pigeon that, probably disoriented by the sight of Dave's bright, bare chest, finds itself in the middle of all this brouhaha. It, unconcerned about any of the roommates' sexuality, flies behind the rock-climbing wall and hunkers down for a long pigeon nap. Lindsay exclaims, "There's nothing that grotesques me more!" Dave takes off his shirt again, and gets to work trying to free the feathered invader. This avian event is quite traumatic to Irene who was attacked by a pigeon in her youth. "There's no rationality with them!" she exhorts. She does a pigeon impression to demonstrate. Actually, her pigeon imitation closely resembles Stephen's Lindsay imitation. The kids call the wildlife rescue center, when Dave's blue collar posturing does not get the winged scavenger out of the house. The bird is soon as free as a ... a bird. It's a touching moment when the pigeon takes to the air, leaving all that fretting over sexuality and reputation behind in order to hunt down some nice juicy garbage. The Episode's Most Annoying Character: Stephen is the most irksome. He weeps, endlessly analyzes his situation, gets drunk and defends his hetero rep some more. He hasn't had a relaxed moment yet. Next Week: Dave's Secret Lover? A Woman? Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something? ©1999 by Randy Shandis Enterprises. All rights reserved.