July 13, 1999
Days of Wine and Ruthie
Enough of that drudgery and hard labor, exclaim the Real Worlders; we're going to throw us a shindig! In preparation, the kids light up the barbecue and tiki torches, but only after Amaya and the Twins expend a sizable amount of cerebral wattage reading instructions. But it's worth it, because the invitees seem to have a pretty good time. Ruthie performs a little rap, and her roommates marvel at how she's able "to create an audience anywhere" with her energy and charm.
Unfortunately, this talent for impromptu showmanship doesn't always seem to be so popular. "There's something that Ruthie thinks she's fulfilling by being on public display," snipes Kaia. Of course, my bon bons, Ruthie isn't quite so bold sans hooch. Is a lack of confidence the reason for Ruthie's predilection for ethanol? A desire for the world's largest collection of little paper umbrellas? A special fondness for regurgitaion?
The next opportunity for Ruthie to show her stuff is a birthday celebration for the boss's wife, Pam. As a birthday treat, a blitzed Ruthie decides to give Pam that most personal of gifts, her blitzed bootie. Never mind that Pam doesn't appear to want to see Ruthie's bikini briefs up close and personal; I get the feeling she would've much preferred a gift certificate to her favorite eatery, instead. The mortification of everyone except Ruthie is palpable. Alcoholism and exhibitionism are not a pretty mix, my sweets!
It should come as no surprise that the aftermath of this posterior display is a heck of a lot of chatter. Amaya feels that they've "failed as roommates" for not keeping Miss Heinie in line-y. For Colin, Ruthie's table dance brings back horrible memories of "a bad movie with sailors in it." (Which movie is this? It sounds like something I have to see!) Kaia makes a rather dubious connection between a lack of parental love and exotic dancing. Justin seems rather in awe that he always misses these events. What in blue blazes is he doing with all of his spare time, anyway?
Since Dr. Kaia, Medicine Woman concluded that Ruthie "needs maybe more affirmations", she tries to further the healing process with a little primal screaming. They take turns screaming "I love you!" at the indifferent ocean, the uncaring beach, the deaf house. As an afterthought, they add human beings to the list. If you think this half-baked cure holds for more than a New York minute, my duckies, you're loco in the coco. The only thing that seems to sober Ruthie up is Calvin's stony-faced reaction to his wife's unwanted birthday present. He calls the experience "very, very interesting", but he means interesting like a bad smell in the basement is interesting.
But, talk's talk, and Ruthie forgets everything after a few tangos with Señor Boozio. The very next time she goes out, she's displaying her undies, despite the pleas for modesty coming from Kaia. (Well, no wonder! That's the pot calling the kettle black.) At least this time, Ruthie gets a little spending money, though. The last straw comes when Ruthie almost starts a brawl after flicking water on another bar patron. She seems pretty confident that she can emerge victorious, but the bouncers nip this little squabble in the bud, and boot her bootie out the door.
Kaia and Matt plot to take this whole rum-soaked nonsense into their own hands. Kaia, evidently, wants to help Ruthie with "certain issues that inhibit Ruthie from expressing herself as a whole person when she's sober." My dears, perhaps the problem is that Ruthie's expressing a bit too much of herself when she's wicked. Matt, still mooney-eyed as ever, wants to stage an AA-style intervention. At least he has the presence of mind to expect his help to be rejected.
Kaia attempts a heart to heart with Ruthie and then dissolves in self-pitying tears in Justin's arms. Justin complies, but he looks rather like he's holding a bag of unwanted kittens. Matt's soporific tete a tete is equally ineffectual. Ruthie interprets the roomies' concern as moralistic backstabbing. "I'm not like you guys," she opines. Nope, she's a whole lot drunker.
Amaya's and Colin's mano a mano languishes in the shadow of Ruthie's exploits this week. Amaya and the Twins supplement their man-chasing skills with a little kickboxing. Never mind that kickboxing is so 1997- what about Tae Bo? Anyway, this class seems to have two benefits- Amaya can work off some of the stress she's feeling from lack of hanky-panky, and she can prepare to pummel Colin into submission. "You can't get away," she tells him ominously.
Colin still doesn't seem too enthusiastic about being wooed. He tells Amaya that he cannot live without male friends, Pez, toilet paper, and women- in that order. However, since there's no toilet paper in the hot tub, he consents to some aquatic horseplay with Amaya and her two constant companions. He even keeps a stiff upper lip while Amaya gives him a massage and forces him to kiss her bunny. Quelle horror! His wishy-washiness has forced him into a corner, and it seems that he would rather gargle mouthwash interminably rather than join Amaya and the Twins in rather constricted quarters. It's three against one, kiddo; there's no way you can win.
Who's Shirtless This Week? Colin is casually surpassing Seattle Dave's every ambition, with four shirtless scenes this week. Ruthie is exploring new frontiers by removing her pants- twice!
Real World Etiquette Secret of the Week! Be absolutely certain that you've finished puking before rejoining the general conversation.
Most Annoying Character? My sainted mother, a first-time viewer, took one look at Kaia and said, "Now, there's a girl who loves to hear herself talk." But in the interest of variety, I'll award the title to Ruthie this week. Girlie, not everyone wants to see your bare derriere, and if you show it enough, you're bound to get a spanking.
Least Annoying Character? The melancholy pool cleaner did nothing to annoy me.
Next Week: Is Teck going to give up his lady-killing ways and
©1999 by Randy Shandis Enterprises. All rights reserved.