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July 10, 2001 Happy "Pick on Mike Day!" So, you think that Coral and Mike may have resolved their differences from last episode? Non! Coral has Mike's number, my sweets, and she's tying up the phone lines trying to send him a little message. That message happens to be, "You're stupid! I hate your guts!" However, to just say that over and over might get a little old, so Coral varies her word choice a bit. First, she makes fun of Mike's very farmland-esque cowlicks. She calls his hair "spurty," which definitely has some unpleasant connotations. Mike is still trying to please Coral at this point; even as he says that he doesn't want to change, he visits a salon and gets a smoother, less "spurty" haircut. He ends up with a hairstyle so smooth, you can see your reflection in it. But that is not enough for Coral, mes amis. One day, when Malik and Coral are discussing an African-American film festival, Mike asks, "Is this Black History Month?" Needless to say, it certainly is. The fact that Mike even has to ask really sets Coral off. She's so tired that she's taken to wearing her bedspread on her head, which seems like a great idea to me, dearies, but the extra rest has not rendered Coral any less irritable. She demands research papers from whiteys Mike and Rachel on Marcus Garvey and Rosa Parks. "Don't celebrate ignorance!" she chastises Mike, who is still struggling to pronounce "ignorance," let alone celebrate it. Coral seems to be the one celebrating Mike's ignorance, really. Her merciless hounding brings Mike no closer to any sort understanding, and she interprets his dumbfounded response as an unwillingness to learn about anything outside of Parma, OH. Enter Peacemaker Malik, stepping into the role that he may end up playing all season. Malik starts rattling off dates and names, and Mike is so relieved not to be browbeaten that he soaks all this impromptu education up and impresses the frilly, bunched-up pants right off of Coral, and everything is ok. Well, that's the way a scripted show would work. In the "Real World" universe, Mike regurgitates a big, ugly historical mess in front of Coral, Malik and Malik's Berkeley friend. Coral accuses Mike of smug indifference. Just before this, Coral had been batting her eyelashes at Malik's friend, trying to get his attention. When the suave visitor states flatly that Coral is wrong- Mike does want to learn, he's only a boob- you can see her fluttering eyelashes turn to poisonous daggers in a nanosecond. That's one more person on Coral's infamous bad side, my loves! We don't end this story with a hug and a sniffle, darlings. Coral still chatters endlessly about her need to show Mike just how unacceptable he is. Her diatribe drives Lori to drink fruity drinks unto oblivion. However, after having a complete stranger stick up for him, Mike breathes easily once again. Malik explains Bob Marley's music to Mike, and Mike, then and there, experiences some sort of gleeful, goofy revelation, singing and bobbing along with no restraint whatsoever. "Everything's gonna be all right!" Mike and Malik crow. As if. The other plot line concerns Nicole's search for a good man, even though she still seems pretty interested in the ever-placid Malik (Do you think we'll see him lose his cool? That could be the question of the season!). They flirt a little, but Malik admits that Nicole's self-consciousness about her appearance could scuttle the budding relationship. Nicole, who signals her availability with a fetching flower tucked behind her ear, says that she's simply trying "to put (her) best foot forward." Make that her best perfectly sculpted eyebrow, instead, mes pamplemousses. This young lady applies makeup to her face in the same way my cousin Donnie airbrushes Viking ladies on custom vans. There are so many shading effects and swoops and glosses, that she would be completely unrecognizable without "putting on her face" first. But, it's not just simple vanity that leads Nicole to follow the Maaco method of makeup application (like I am one to talk, dearies!). It's not just obsessive-compulsive disorder that leads Nicole to take two showers a day (she's making up for the ones my dear sweet hubby doesn't take!). In school, she was always "the dirty kid," and she finds herself making up for it ever since. Well, I'll grant that Nicole certainly grabs attention wherever she goes. She and Coral go to a club, and before long, a nattily dressed young man is asking after her. Nicole eagerly waits for a call from said "hot guy," and, sacre bleu, it arrives. They arrange a meeting, but "it's not a date," Nicole is quick to assure us. She and Rene, "the Nightclub Fly Guy" manage to find each other on a street corner, which seems pretty amazing to me, because they're both wearing sunglasses at night- how very Corey Hart of them! Could this be a love match? Looks aren't everything, my dears. Nightclub Fly Guy may dress like a champ, but his political philosophy and lifestyle are less appealing to Nicole. He voted for George W. Bush, for one thing. "He might be a little confused," Nicole confesses. Then, there's his lack of interest in hip-hop and in dating other black women. Nicole uses the patented "emergency at home" system to end the date early and foresees no relationship with Fly Guy. "Why should I look elsewhere, when I have it at home?" Nicole muses. What? Nice furniture? Petty squabbling? Oh, she means the quiet guy with the big hair. Who's Shirtless: Mike may be picked on, but he still boldly shows his pecs. That's confidence, my pets! Who Cries: No one cries, but Mike does whine a bit about Coral. Most Annoying: Mike may be a dunderhead, but it's Coral who wins the dubious award this week. She apparently doesn't need oxygen, because she has the ability to badmouth someone without even pausing for breath. No one else can even get a single annoying word into the conversation! Best Quote: Nicole admires the sartorial splendor of her date, "He dresses like Lenny Kravitz, really nice." "Nice" isn't exactly the word I'd use to describe Kravitz' wardrobe, my pets! Next Week: The virgin wears a leather tube top!
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