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Mrs Filthy's Real World Review
June 19, 2001
Real World Tenth Anniversary Special
Whew! Talk about the Bunim-Murray Death March! I just endured
90 commercial-free (save an ironic reference to Pepsi here and
there) minutes of Real Worlders patting themselves on the back.
Host John Norris (aka Skeletor) adds fuel to the laudatory fire
by calling Bunim-Murray's oeuvre things like "cultural icon"
and "groundbreaking show that chronicled a generation."
Eric Nies pontificates, "We represent the true nature of
self!" Well, that's certainly a tall order. Interestingly
enough, not one person mentions "guilty pleasure" or
"cringe-fest ," which seem much more likely descriptors
for the program.
The producers spend a fair percentage of our 90 minutes talking
about all the serious issues that "The Real World"
allowed American youth to ponder and discuss; the roster reads
like a season's worth of After-School Specials: diversity and
tolerance, spirituality, AIDS, abortion, suicide and substance
abuse. And, I will not deny that those are indeed serious issues.
But, mes amis, let's take a peek at the "5 Greatest Moments"
as voted by RW viewers around the world for this anniversary
special.
5. Heather falls on her face walking Norm's dog in New York.
4. Ruthie and Teck skinnydipping in Hawaii.
3. Melissa's strip-tease in New Orleans.
2. Stephen slaps Irene in Seattle.
1. Mike, Melissa and the brunette waitress getting friendly in
Miami.
We've got pratfalls, sex, sex, violence and more sex. Now
we know just how important the serious issues are in attracting
viewers, no? And why else would we slog through an hour and a
half of inebriated, self-satisfied burbling from these people,
unless it was to see the marked decline in muscle tone and professional
opportunities for said personalities. Or, to see the big fight
that broke out between Puck and Kameelah, or the threat of a
strike from Real World personalities? Oops, sorry, you're not
going to see much of that, even though it happened. This was
a case of reality being a little too interesting for reality
television, I suppose.
I consider it my duty, darlings, to condense the whole messy
sh-bang into something brief and less painful. If I can keep
one person from watching the "Real World Tenth Anniversary
Special," I can rest easy. Below is a list of some of the
Real Worlders featured and their current stations in life. I
couldn't get them all, and really, would you want them all?
New York
Heather B: Her first album is due soon. This is a statement we'll
hear from probably one out of every two Real Worlders.
Eric: After "The Grind," Eric's manager ripped him
off, to the tune of a quarter million dollars. Eric considered
suicide, but bounced back enough to share his story with Melissa
and the rest of us.
Kevin: He's a writer, and still single, much to Miami Cynthia's
delight.
Andre: He claims "The Real World" ruined his life.
Los Angeles
Jon: His first CD still isn't out, but it's supposed to be out
soon. And he could probably carry a couple dozen of them in
his cheeks!
Irene: She's still a police officer and has kids aplenty. She's
actually arrested Puck before.
San Francisco
Puck: Complete with little dog and shoulder-length locks, he
gets place in his own isolation chamber for the bulk of the show.
He's proud of his continued notoriety, but I say he's sold out.
He picks his nose not once in the 90 minutes, except in flashbacks.
Plus, he does what his mom tells him.
Rachel: She's lost the Morticia Addams bangs she had last year,
but she's held on to her lumberjack hubby Sean (Boston) and their
daughter Evita.
Pam and Judd: They are engaged to be married, still.
Mohammed: He's working on musical projects, too. Big surprise,
eh?
London
Mike: He makes a point of boasting that he "owns a race
car TEAM" now.
Neil: He has a job, a family and most of his tongue.
Lars: This formerly googly-eyed German (his eyes seem to have
retreated back into his skull) regrets being a Real Worlder.
He DJ's the reunion party at LA's Club Blue.
Kat: She is sad not to be the hottest person in the room for
the reunion, but then again, there wasn't much competition in
London.
Boston
Elka: She's looking almost matronly, instead of the wispy Walter-loving
waif of years ago. She and Walter are engaged.
Kameelah: Kids at Stanford had a choice of seeing Kameelah or
Chelsea Clinton, and they chose Kameelah!
Jason: He sports a retro wavy page-boy; he should be hanging
out behind the high school selling pot, or something. By the
way, he boasts that he "discovered" Teck when he worked
on the RW casting team.
Syrus: His head is still enormous, figuratively and literally.
Sean: He's proud of himself to have dragged Rachel and Rachel
Jr. to the wilds of Wisconsin. He's a lawyer.
Miami
Cynthia: She's still looking for a man and a career. I think
she likes New York's Kevin, judging from the flirting and fawning.
Mike: He's still expanding, and he still works as a private investigator.
Flora: She's still flashing the camera with her bosoms.
Sara: She's very uncomfortable at the glitzy Los Angeles party.
Joe: He's barely recognizable with his shaved head and slouchy
stature. He sort of looks like a little man made of pebbles.
Seattle
Rebecca: Her first CD is almost ready. She seemed pretty inebriated,
at one point asking Miami's Dan to marry her. She must be pretty
drunk!
Nathan: His hair is a tad longer and wavier than in his VMI days,
and he sports a soul patch, presumably instead of a personality.
Lindsay: She's the scariest person in the whole room. Actually,
she's the scariest shrunken head in the room. But, at least her
petrified face doesn't stop her from working as a DJ in Atlanta.
Stephen: He's been moving from town to town, leaving broken hearts
in his wake. And yes, these broken hearts belong to women. He's
still sorry for slapping Irene, but he's not afraid to be known
for that deed, either. Oh, and he'll have a CD out soon.
Hawaii
Ruthie: She's looking hale and hearty, but no more eloquent than
back in 1999. We learn that she doesn't like tan lines, however.
She has a new song coming out, too!
Teck: He's still a ladies man. A very talkative ladies man who
often makes no sense, for ladies who like that sort of thing.
Amaya: She got her boobies upholstered in red naugahyde. It makes
for easy cleaning, you know.
Kaia: She offered only the briefest, gloomiest glimpse of her
Margaret-ness.
New Orleans
Jamie: He was recently arrested for bungee-jumping where he shouldn't
have been.
Kelley: Hardly anyone remembers she was even on the show. She
and beau Dr. Peter have marriage plans.
Danny: Yeah, yeah, we all know he was on Dawson's Creek.
Julie: She has a nice Mormon boyfriend, and all is well. She
still cries at the drop of a hat, though. She can't even thank
Boston's Elka for her inspiration without weeping.
David: He claims to have learned a lot from watching his gaffes
on television, but he still will babble on and on about not much
of anything. If tv teaches one anything, it should be brevity.
Melissa: She seems to have embraced the role of perky hostess
on Bunim-Murray related shows and will fondle her chest for anyone
who asks.
Matt: He was inspired by New York Eric to "punch his abs."
Who's Not There: Julie (New York), Jacinda (London),
Irene (Seattle), Colin and Matt (Hawaii) are some of the more
notable MIAs. Anyone else that I didn't list above was there,
but had nothing interesting to say.
Next Time: I'm sure MTV's self-congratulations don't
end here, my darlings; the casting special for Season X is next
Tuesday. Here we go again!
Want to tell
Mrs. Filthy something?
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