June 18, 2002
Do you want to hear something really scary, mes petites pumpkins? How about two girls scratching each other's eyes out over Kyle? Kyle! That's almost as scary as Cara contemplating a career in show business! Anyway, Keri used to "chill" (Real World veterans will understand this verb's connotation) with Kyle all the time. Cara is next in line to "chill" with Kyle, and everyone's a little uncomfortable with the emotional consequences of the changing of the guard.
Of course, we in Barcalounger Land are merely uncomfortable with the thought of "chilling" with Kyle. Add to this creepy tale a dollop of drama club egoism and a tight deadline, and voila! We have tres erratic behavior and misery all around. Well, perhaps not all around- Chris and Theo get along just fine.
We begin with yet another rehearsal of the Real Worlders' Halloween plays. Cara prides herself on being a good director of Le Troupe Bunim-Murray, but for her, being a good director means calling everybody "Sweetie" without meaning it. Kyle sure is impressed, though. "She's busting her ass. She's bending over backwards," he says. Sounds uncomfortable if not anatomically impossible, non? And Cara seems to feel that Kyle's scripts are Shakespeare-worthy.
But, wait a second. Is this admiration and respect among colleagues or something more hormonal? Kyle talks about his relationship with Cara "growing by leaps and bounds." Cara triumphantly proclaims that Kyle's feelings for Keri have diminished and hopes to hear Keri admit her jealousy. Meanwhile, Keri accuses Cara of "kissing Kyle's ass." I'm sure Cara would if she could, darlings.
Any other time of year, my dears, there would merely be a lot of sniping and awkward silences, and that would be the end of this whole drama. But, it's Halloween, and the kids have plays to perform; the backstage horrors threaten to overwhelm the onstage ones (I'm not talking about Tonya's acting, either.).
The cast members have three short plays to perform, and one of them, "Bloody Mary," seems to cause much strife among the members of our little love triangle. Is "Bloody Mary" a poor story? Do the performers feel uncomfortable with last minute edits? Or, does Cara want to get rid of the play because her rival Keri wrote it? Actually, it could be a little of all these things.
What we do know is that Cara doesn't have the guts to just tell Keri her play's not the thing. Instead, she and her boogie-man Kyle giggle vindictively over the supposed failure of Keri's play. Finally, Cara decides to cut Keri's contribution. Does she say, "Your play stinks, and I don't want to do it?" Does she say, "I want to sleep with Kyle, and so I want you to suffer?"
Nope. She starts off with a rousing, "Not that it's not good, because it is," and launches into a million other weak reasons for not performing "Bloody Mary." Keri plays it cool, resisting the temptation to fling scalding dishwater into Cara's simpering face. But, Keri's not the cucumber she'd like everyone to think she is, either. She can claim, "I have absolutely no beef," but any Real World girl who listens at the confessional door and barges in is a troubled Real World girl, sweeties.
And let's not forget Kyle's dysfunctions, either. Kyle is exhibiting the classic disdain of the rejector for the rejectee. He's so pleased with his power that he gloats, sending little glances over to Cara, badmouthing Keri to anyone who will listen. "She's driving me nuts," he complains. "I don't like hanging out with her anymore." Obviously, all that money his father has didn't buy him gentlemanly manners.
When Cara tells her boss, Laura, of her decision to cancel "Bloody Mary," she makes sure to blame it on Tonya's ailment, instead of citing her real reasons. Tonya, however, is within earshot, and swoops down on Cara. She exhorts Cara to be honest, "You haven't wanted to do it since the beginning! Just admit it!" The other housemates don't necessarily like Tonya's decibel level, but they do appreciate her honesty.
During the dress rehearsal, Laura chats with Keri about the nixing of her story. When it becomes clear that Cara was the prime mover behind the decision, Laura reminds the troupe that the whole group has to decide. Kyle scornfully tells Laura that "I personally don't want to be in it," then passes the buck back to Cara before you can say, "cowardly, worthless frat phony."
But Cara the Chameleon has felt the wind change, and has changed her colors accordingly, at least in the presence of Keri and Laura. "I really like it now!" Cara gushes. "We will totally do it." Keri knows that Cara's being dishonest, but what the heck, "Bloody Mary" is back in the program. "There's a way to say anything tactful. And there's always a way to lie," she says. She gladly washes her hands of Cara and Kyle, or at least that's what she claims. What can I say, darlings, Kyle and Cara deserve one another. After all, such a high degree of passive-aggressiveness is hard to find.
Surprisingly, opening night seems to be a pretty smooth affair. Kyle claims that his creation, "The Midnight Ghost," is everyone's favorite show. Well, it's his favorite, and that's all that matters, apparently. Anyway, no one throws rotten vegetables at the cast, and the tent is full of little children, eager to be scared out of their little wits. If they only knew what was happening behind the scenes!
Who's Topless? Everyone knows that ghouls and goblins are fully clothed, and so are the Real Worlders this week.
Who Cries? Keri, feeling ostracized, almost cries- her skin gets a little blotchy and her eyes, a little watery. And it's not just the Halloween makeup!
Most Annoying: Whose side is Cara on? Whichever side will get her into Kyle's pants first, mes amis.
Best Quote: Cara's idea of sisterly love includes telling Tonya, "I know scariness turns into bitchiness for you." And that's when they're making up!
Next Week: Horror movies always have sequels, don't
they? Expect more chills.
Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something?