First aired: June 16, 1998
The topic: "The Real World" Starring... The House!
My dears, I must confess a dirty little secret. This is the review of the first episode of "Real World VII" (the Roman numerals give it a touch of class!), but this is not the first time I've met these seven young go-getters. Oh no, I've seen all of the later episodes, and all of my biases are ground into my being, like mildew on shower tile. So, if you're hoping for a clean slate, a fresh start, grab the sponge and start scrubbing, honeys, or you'll surely be disappointed.
That reminds me. I'd better clean the bathroom.
The new season opens with Dave and Nathan bidding farewell to their Virginia Miliary Institute existence. Dave heartily slaps the backs of everyone within arm's reach, while Nathan mopes in a corner with his gurl, Stephanie. Is their weeping and cooing a recurring feature of this program? As much as it pains me to admit this, darlings, the answer is inescapably in the positive. Ick. Once the young swain detaches from his lamprey of love, some sort of Colonel or General or something exhorts Nathan and Dave to represent VMI well. Does this mean that they have to march in place while they're hitting on drag queens in hip clubs? Mrs Filthy wants to know!
And, in the blink of an eye, the two young bucks land in Seattle, ready for action. "I wanna dig these people big time, " Dave declares. Hand that boy a shovel! When Dave and Nathan arrive at Pier 70, they fall to the floor with astonishment. They explore each room of their new sumptuous abode and hug each other with materialistic glee. The house is "100 times better than Christmas!" with its jacuzzi, fireplace, rock-climbing wall, velvet sheets, and postmodern toys. Pier 70 is flashier by far than any of its inhabitants. Being old and embittered and on the other side of the glass, all I could think was that the Real World houses are getting less and less real every year. Why not stick all these kids in a rat-infested basement? Then, you'd get real drama, for sure.
Rebecca is next to arrive; since she does not have a penis, the guys pounce on her hungrily. She marvels at the house, and then trashes the two machos' gender expectations by climbing the rock wall within five minutes of her arrival. Dave guffaws, "What's up with this chick?" There he goes, representing VMI well, just like the General commanded!
Janet receives a warm welcome. The mere mention of her name is enough to make the cadets drool. Nathan pronounces Janet "hot" and "an exotic beauty". Janet admires his "sensitive part... even though he plays it rough and tough". Kids, it looks like we have the makings of Wild Orchid V (again, those classy Roman numerals!). Or not.
Lindsay and Stephen meet each other at the train station, and Lindsay is so ecstatic to have someone to perform for, that she hugs him. Stephen isn't quite sure what to make of this "boppy little girl", but I think he appreciates it when Lindsay informs him that Seattle has "a big scene downtown". I think we all appreciate such cutting edge information, don't we, gang? These two, as they hurtle towards the house, predict that people will hate them. And, they are right.
Janet discovers that she and her housemates will be lackeys for the local "cutting edge" radio station. Joyfully, she exclaims "Shut up!" for the umpteenth time. I have some advice for this young lass. Janet, dear, if you're interested in being a broadcast journalist, repeatedly exclaiming 'Shut up!' is not exactly the way to guarantee an award-winning interview.
Janet and Lindsay "click" immediately, and the guys lustfully observe their high-spirited antics. "We're going to have a damn good time," they scheme. Dave thinks Lindsay is "ripped"; one of her attractive features is her "grinding her teeth like 'aaaah!'" Sweeties, I was confused by that statement, too. Try not to dwell on it. Stephen is more thrilled about the closets in his new home. "This is just going to foster my fashion!" he drools. Closet space is important to him.
Irene, the last Real Worlder, finally arrives, unaware that everyone else has already bonded. When she enters the palatial domicile, she oohs and aahs just like everyone else did, but certain of her housemates interpret her awe as a sign of poor character. Lindsay and Janet openly scorn this curly-haired interloper for not focusing on their needs. Within a matter of a few short hours of "clicking", they have formed an official clique.
And then, of course, we have the annual fight over the best bedroom. It's a rather passive-agressive fight this year, and Rebecca wins the prize with quiet persistence. With that potential conflict out of the way, the kids proceed to get acquainted. Stephen asks Rebecca if she's a lesbian. Irene, in an intriguing bit of foreshadowing, says that questions about one's sexuality "shouldn't be asked, ever." In the kitchen, Dave joins the ladies in a bit of girl talk. Ever the smooth operator, he mysteriously tells Lindsay, "When I let you know things, you'll know them." And, finally, Irene reveals her lust for Neil Diamond's chest hair.
Ok, kids, I'm going to go clean the bathroom now.
Number of times Dave is shirtless: None. Well, it is the first show. Modesty is in order.
The Most Annoying Character? When I first viewed this episode, I came away with the feeling that Lindsay was going to rule as the Monarch of Most Annoying. I was proved wrong, of course, but her backstabbing and theatrics would give anyone a run for his money.
Next Week: The Kids Visit the Library!
©1999 by Randy Shandis Enterprises. All rights reserved.