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May 28, 2002 Homecoming Mes petites amis, Cara does not use the C-word once in this entire episode, but we all know what she's looking for. Months ago, she jilted her burly bear-man Jared just two days before they were to move to New York City. He stayed home in St. Louis, and she- well, we all know what, or rather who, she's doing. Nevertheless, Cara wants very badly to feel good about herself, almost as much as she wants to move to LA and become a sitcom star. Oui, my friends, she's looking for closure. Not only does she want closure, dearies, but she wants the entire household to witness it. She invites her six roomies for a weekend jaunt to St. Louis, and, amazingly, just about everyone accepts. Chris misses the fun to attend his grandmother's funeral, and Tonya says she can't miss work. All those medical debts, you know! It costs a lot to surgically remove a phone receiver from one's ear, my sweets. Cara guesses correctly when she surmises that Tonya wouldn't want to join them, anyway. At least Tonya waits until the Real World minivan has pulled away before clicking her heels and shouting for joy. "I love that the house is empty!" is the Walla Wallan's constant refrain. Perhaps the other housemates should be a wee bit afraid; it sounds like Tonya's getting territorial. Tonya uses her temporary liberty to tell her beau Justin what she really thinks about her housemates. Sure, the other kids may make fun of her enhanced boobs and bleached hair, but Tonya doesn't need their friendship. About Kyle she says, "He has his finger up his nose 24-7!" Keri is a "stuck-up, spoiled little bitch," and Cara is "totally screwed up" with a "raging eating disorder." And those were Tonya's defenders! But enough about Tonya, because this episode is about Cara. Of course, if you asked Cara, she might tell you that every episode is about her. Cara is anxious about Jared, since they haven't seen each other in four months. "I need to hear that he's okay," she emphasizes. She's clearly expecting a mere shadow of a man, a heartbroken soul with bags under his eyes, a drained ghost. Such is the power of Cara (as she sees it) over the hearts of men! When she meets with Jared at last, Cara almost forgets that she dumped him. "He's so handsome. He's so cute. He's Jared!" she exclaims. "He's the closest thing I've had to the fairy tale, the fantasy. What if it could be more?" Of course, she takes for granted that Jared still wants her for his fairy tale princess. He certainly behaves like a gentleman in front of all the housemates, making the bare minimum of goo-goo eyes at his ex. Finally, the two ex-lovebirds get some time alone. Surprisingly, Cara keeps her clothes on. It's probably better that way, since one never wants to hear bad news in the nude. Jared tells Cara that the last four months have been rough. "Not only were you not there for me, you were the cause of all that." He concludes, "You're a memory now." Well, darlings, that certainly put a damper on any nookie plans Cara might have had! But, Cara and Jared part amicably, maybe better than amicably for all the hugging and smooching they do. Cara now can give herself permission to move to Los Angeles and behave like a complete tramp. Hollywood couldn't have written a happier ending, mes pamplemousses! Who's Topless? When one visits the old family homestead, nudity is just plain poor etiquette, darlings! Even Aneesa seems to know that! Who Cries? Cara's mom narrowly averts weepiness when she hears her daughter's sappy warbling. Now we know where Cara gets it! Most Annoying: For such a small girl, Cara sure needs an awful lot of rationalization! Best Quote: Kyle notes, "Cara's like a kid in a candy store right now but she misses her favorite flavor." Suddenly, Cara's eating disorder makes sense. Next Week: Tonya vs. the other housemates, Round 2! Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something?
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