April 9, 2002
Don't You Cara Tall?
Is Cara really the bubbly, happy flower child she wants to be? I think we all know the answer to that question, darlings. Cara's neediness and catchword-fueled delusion seem to be news to her housemates, however. One day, she admits to Tonya that she takes antidepressants; if she misses her morning meds, she's shaky and tearful by dinner time. Remember that, folks- we call this technique foreshadowing.
It turns out that a young roue named Ali, a former beau of Cara's, is in Chicago. Cara and Ali were friends, then lovers, then enemies, and now Cara insists she's seeking "closure" with this petit loup. Evidently, closure seems to involve lots of nooky. "I don't know how much his coming here has to do with me," Cara muses. Sweetie, it has everything to do with you and your low, low standards!
The evening of her big date, Cara and her housemates are standing around in the bathroom, as they are often wont to do. That room gets more action than the rest of the house combined, although the whole communal shower gimmick is a disappointment. Chris happens by, makes a comment about Cara's almost nonexistent weight and touches her lightly on the midriff. This thoughtless contact triggers a deluge from Cara. Now she'll be forced to sleep with Ali to make herself feel better!
Chris tries his darnedest to make things right, apologizing for all it's worth. However, mes amis, it's too late. All it takes is a few honeyed words from Ali, and Cara feels "empowered" enough to take her bra off for national television. All those horrible memories, of being called "chubbette" by her loving family, of being cuckolded by Ali, just fly out the window. At least she gets an orgasm out of it.
Pauvre Cara claims that she's been suffering from a poor body image ever since she's been without a boyfriend, that singlehood is making her equate happiness with skinniness. You see, if she had a man, Cara would be totally mentally healthy, dear hearts! Cara insists on more closure, i.e. tongue-swabbing kisses, in the airport as Ali prepares to ditch his latest conquest. He certainly knows the score. "I would never date you again," Cara claims. "Yeah, right," Ali answers with a smirk. "Get a room!" yells a weary commuter.
Speaking of body image, Aneesa certainly has no negative conception of her own Rubenesque frame. She shares the blurry vision of it with whoever happens to be around. She also refuses to close the door when she uses the bathroom and considers one's "cooch" acceptable dinner table conversation. All of these traits are pushing Tonya to the breaking point. She uses words such as "disgusting," "disrespectful" and "revolting" to describe Aneesa's habits.
"There's nothing wrong with a little nudity," claims Aneesa, but to Tonya, nudity is a gateway drug to even worse behavior. The timid Washingtonian is so agitated that she starts tossing around five dollar words like "homeostasis." Tonya's afraid that if she doesn't stop Aneesa now, all hell will break loose- hongs in the hallway! Bras on the dining room table! Jiggling and joggling everywhere one turns!
Tonya is quite proud of herself for confronting Aneesa, but the two annoyed housemates reach no agreement. The only mutual thing they can do is roll their eyes at one another. Aneesa likes to parade around nude, likes the attention, even though she claims that she's only strolling au naturel for natural reasons. Tonya will forever be offended by anything that's unfamiliar to her Walla Walla experience. And really, is there a compromise available? Sheer dressing gowns for Aneesa? Extra dark sunglasses for Tonya?
Who's Topless? If you don't get your fill of Aneesa's ample yet blurry figure in this episode, you must be insatiable. Chris and Theo also appear without their shirts.
Who Cries? Chemically-challenged Cara opens the floodgates, puzzling everyone around her.
Most Annoying: Cara tosses around the word "empowering" almost as casually as she slips into bed with her male companions. I think, my dears, someone should buy her a dictionary.
Best Quote: "I am somebody, and I am worth it," coaches Chris. Self-esteem mantra or hair care slogan?
Next Week: Peeing blood? Please, God, Tonya's only
April 8, 2002
All Penned Up
Now that the final six teams remain, does that mean that all the backstabbing has come to an end? Is it indeed "all about the money," as Elka so naively says? It almost begins to look that way, dearies. The Road Rules women perform some sort of alarming Jazzercise ritual showing their unity, as well as their jiggly underarms. Tara says that the Road Rulers are tired of the machinations, but how weary can they be? They're flapping around like peeved bats, for heaven's sake!
Holly, for her part, seems to be healing after being rudely torn away from her coochie-coo soulmate Chadwick. She makes sure that everyone knows just how magnanimous she is by forgiving Emily. You see, darlings, in Holly's universe, Emily masterminded the whole alliance plot, and Holly was just an innocent bystander, deprived of her nuptial bliss. In Holly's world, Emily is a self-delusional, interpretive dancing, lying, pathetic cheat, and Holly is an angel-in-training.
I can't say that I see much difference in their past behavior, except that Holly refers to God as "The Big Guy." If I were God, I would strike her with lightning just for that. But, the Road Rulers, for a short time anyway, seem to believe that their team is on the mend. Silver-tongued Theo remarks that this is the first week since Chadwick left that Holly has laughed, "like her teeth are having seizures." And he means that in a nice way, mes amis!
I feel obliged to tell you that the mission this week involves sad, skinny little bovines harassed into compliance by the impatient and inexperienced cast members. The calves are forced to wear Chili's bandannas, as if to say, "Hooray! I'm going to end up as a dish fit to be accompanied by an Awesome Blossom!" And, if that particular indignity wasn't enough for the calves, these snot-nosed kids cuss and scream "Hyah!" at them.
Some of the kids are better "Hyah"-yellers than others. Holly and Theo, for example don't have any idea about how to pen the cattle; Theo is so misguided that he admits, "It'd be a lot easier to chase one of these things on a snowboard!" I was having a hard time visualizing a snowboard in a dusty Mexican rodeo stadium, but Theo is nothing if not experimental, at least verbally.
Emily and Timmy fare much better, and they seem to be the team to beat. That is, however, until lumberjack Sean and Elka happen on the scene. Suddenly, this whole cattle-penning operation seems much easier. Even novice Danny, who has only ridden a horse once in his life, can muster a respectable time, one second behind the victors.
All this pastoral bliss, however, is mere distraction from subsequent events at the local Internet Café. Emily and Timmy both receive a poison pen email from none other than Chadwick, who is obviously stressed without the baby-talking distraction of his wife. Chadwick has made it clear that he blames Emily and Timmy for sending him home. He's also made it clear that he's bitter, self-involved and has far too much time on his hands.
The news of Chadwick's nasty note quickly makes the rounds of both the Road Rules and the Real World villas. It seems like the last person on the gossip grapevine is Holly, who is too busy relating her soporific tales of her and Chadwick's romance to one and all. Holly boasts that since she married, she never thinks of herself anymore, but she also remains oblivious to just about everything else- even the goofy faces Coral makes at her!
Once Holly learns of Chadwick's divisive missive, she's all pride and glee- proud that her husband is such a pewling baby, gleeful that her sense of self-righteousness is unsullied. "Some people amaze me with their amount of denial," she meows. Indeed.
Next Week: Parking Lot Rage!
Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something?