March 13, 2000
In case any of you were wondering, Piggy and Los do not get along. I know, I know, dearies, they've always seemed so sweet and generous to each other, but it's all just an act. One minute, they're discussing Scrabble strategy (do Ebonics count?), and the next, they're arguing over their racial identities. Evidently, Los doesn't think Piggy's black enough. Black enough for whom? It doesn't matter! Los is feeling oppressed, and so reason means absolutely nothing. "I'm not a closet racist. I'm a straight up, straight out racist," Los proudly proclaims.
The pariah equivalent of Los on the Real World team is, mais oui, Amaya. Amaya isn't challenging anyone's racial identity at this point, but her whining and malingering have driven team morale down the crapper over the past few missions. Early in this week's episode, her teammates engage in backstabbing with so much relish that I briefly wondered if they were going to gang up on her and force-feed her pig's feet... I mean beef feet.
After these events, you might think we're heading into serious dramatic territory, but this week, the primary focus is on bosoms. Both teams are in Key West for a Homemade Bikini Contest at the infamous Hog's Breath Saloon. Each team has to split into couples and create sensational swimwear from odds and ends- you know, dish soap and flypaper and monkey wrenches, whatever happens to be around at the time. This event, pets, may prove to be Miss Amaya's redemption, since it finally involves something she cares about- providing a showcase for the Twins. "I feel like Barbie!" she gushes excitedly as she shops for high heels.
The Road Rules cast has a much bumpier route ahead of them on this mission, though. Piggy is passed out drunk on the couch, Los is AWOL, and ideas are in short supply. Yes and Veronica briefly explore a recycling theme for their outfits, but Veronica wisely nixes any use of tuna fish cans. Later, when Holly asks Los about his swimsuit plans, he smirks mysteriously. Piggy pounces on his rude behavior and even bleeps at him. Shocking! Los objects; he hasn't insulted Piggy, (never mind that he can't utter a single civil word in her presence). "You insult me just by sitting there," retorts Piggy.
So, the girls on both teams sew and bead-azzle their costumes like crazy; the boys have fun snorkling. What else is new? Still, the excitement for the contest is mounting. "I feel like a prostitute!" exclaims Amaya. Heather shares her costume phobia, which resulted from a traumatizing Frankenstein incident in the 2nd grade. When the event finally arrives, there were so many sequins and dyed feathers around, I thought perhaps the show had been transported to the ruins of a bombed Hobby Lobby.
The costumes are long on double entendre and body glitter, short on fabric. Mike and Amaya appear first as Sugar Daddy and Cherry Pie, and they both look like they've eaten plenty of both (I should talk, sweeties!). They whip the audience up with whipped cream, and brandish giant phallic candy sticks. But, at least they try to put on some sort of performance. When Piggy and Los get on stage, you'd think somebody's dear grandmother and her cute puppy had just passed away. Los tells the announcer that they are the "Feather People," who live in a Winnebago. Needless to say, these birds are soon whistled off the stage.
Heather and Teck pose as a Queen and King, although since Teck is wearing lipstick, it's rather unclear who is who. But, they're game, and Teck even rolls out the red carpet for bead-burdened Heather. Yes and Veronica have some sort of Saran Wrap fascination, but manage to score points for physique alone. Dave and Kat hold their own little toga party, and one judge is so overcome that she almost rips Dave's outfit right off of him. Holly, willing to do anything for her "soulmate" Dan, poses as a human putting green and allows him to swing a few right off her hillocks.
The winning team is the Real World cast, mostly because they weren't saddled with Los. Heather has fully resolved her costume phobia, and all the other Real Worlders are just relieved to win the E-trade bucks for once. The atmosphere is glum in the losing camp, however, even though it's Piggy's birthday. Later in the evening, Holly hears some scuffling and finds Piggy and Los on the couch, and no, they're not having a tea party, my crumpets. Los accuses Piggy of hitting him. Piggy fumes in the corner. She doesn't have to say much after telling the cameras her thoughts about castration, specifically how it might apply to Los. The director, sporting a muy macho moulet, intervenes and reminds Piggy of the "no hitting" policy. Is Piggy in big trouble? Tune in next week. A bientot!
Who's Shirtless This Week? Darlings, I'm sure we're all getting tired of seeing the same chests over and over and over, but unfortunately, Dave (3 scenes), Teck (2 scenes) and Mike (2 scenes) are the only ones willing to go sans chemises. Oh, there is some strange local lady who baring her boobies, but it's Key West, so it's not all that remarkable.
Who's Hitting Upon Whom? Well, Piggy is hitting Los, but I guess that doesn't count. In a more promising development, Dan also hits golf balls off of Holly's nipples. Fore!
Most Annoying Cast Member? In an impressive move, Los manages to alienate his entire team with the triple threat of self-pity, lack of manners and sheer contrariness.
Quote of the Week: Los must be angling for a TV movie deal when he blurts, "You cannot tell a victim how to feel, how to express their pain!"
Next Time: Finally, my little ducks- the moment we've
been waiting for! Both teams are locked in padded cells.