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February 12, 2002 Busy Signal If there's a better invitation to a deep meaningful conversation than Kyle's "Let's talk about your major 'tude," I don't know it, dearies! At the beginning of this week's episode, the kids are on the way home from the bar. Keri's still sore at Kyle about being ignored and Kyle is still confused by Keri. Keri doesn't want to discuss her "major issues" while using public transportation, evidently, and third-wheel Cara refuses to mediate. But this quasi-crisis is just going to have to wait, because the three young people home to find hoochies galore! Their humble abode has been transformed into a shining showroom of girlie flesh, courtesy of Theo. Keri immediately objects, especially when she finds the pukey mess in the group shower. "This is my house!" she rants, forgetting that she's not even a renter; she's only in the house by the benevolent grace of Saints Bunim and Murray. Anyway, Keri refuses to clean up after Theo's messy pets. Thongs and bikinis litter the floor like fallen soldiers. The infamous group shower has totally lost its glamour. Somebody has thrown up in Aneesa's shampoo bottle. It's a scene tres triste, darlings, but somebody has to clean it up. Will it be Theo? Apparently not, judging by the scene he makes when Aneesa expresses her disgust. After all, he's not responsible for the mess since he was busy rubbing up against some party doll at the time. Let's just say, mes amis, that Theo has started off on the wrong foot with his housemates. He says he hates being treated like a kid, but he seems to lack even a rudimentary sense of etiquette. I'm sure Miss Manners says somewhere that if a member of a harem vomits somewhere, the sultan in charge is responsible for cleaning it up. Chris and the others feel that Theo lacks respect for their basic rights to a regurgitation-free lifestyle. Meanwhile, Tonya calls the house with the news that we're all waiting breathlessly to hear. Only three kidney stones left, praise heaven! She must be feeling better, because she chatters about herself even longer than usual. You can see Kyle's jaw muscles straining as he tries to be nice. Good intentions aside, no one is exactly jumping for joy at the return of Miss High Maintenance. Kyle and Cara meet Tonya at the airport, and Tonya makes up for all those lost days. So much news about her kidneys and family problems, so little time, my little bonbons! For a moment, I thought the conversation was taking a turn for the interesting when Tonya hints to hiding Justin's body in her suitcase, but, alas, it was only her attempt at humor. Tonya's yakety-yakking doesn't stop when the kids get home, either. Her beau Justin has found Tonya's birth certificate, so Tonya has to weep and wax poetic about that to everyone within earshot. Then she has to call Justin and cry some more. You can almost feel the housemates' good intentions dissipate right then and there, to be replaced by weariness and indifference. Enter Theo. Theo wants to use the phone, the same phone that Tonya is currently drowning in happy, Justin-ful tears. Theo yells at Tonya and makes her cry (this time, the tears are neither happy or Justin-ful) some more. Then the hothead grabs the receiver and hangs up for her. Tonya picks up a glass and throws it in the general direction of Theo, as if he were a raccoon getting into the picnic basket. We don't see this action, however, and more's the pity. All we get to see are some shards of glass on the floor and lots of carrying on. Tonya howls, "We were supposed to be safe, and I don't feel safe with him!" Oui, my pets, who knows whom Theo will hang up on next? Cara feeds on the drama, telling Kyle, "She was having a nervous breakdown. She was hysterical." Well, when isn't Tonya hysterical, for heaven's sakes? Theo is pretty unrepentant about the entire situation until the girls threaten one of those dreaded "house meetings." After talking with Kyle and his dad, Theo reconsiders and feels hurt that Tonya is afraid of him. "I'm the last person she should be scared of," he asserts. Unless there's a shampoo bottle in the house, dearies! He goes to Cara to make amends, and then to Tonya. Cara seems to be satisfied with Theo's misery, but Tonya wants to stretch it out a while longer. Oh, but what about reluctant lovebirds Keri and Kyle? Remember them? Well, Keri and Kyle do eventually discuss their "major issues," and Kyle realizes that he doesn't want to hurt Keri. Keri runs out and finds some beady-eyed guy named Tyler in a mall. Kyle's a little jealous of Keri's date, but he needn't be. After all, how much excitement is there in a conversation about bruschetta and changing tires? If you're Keri, evidently, that qualifies as "a great conversation." Despite his healthy portion of bruschetta, Keri eventually decides that Tyler is too skinny for her and settles for a platonic relationship with ripply Kyle. They both talk ad nauseum about how much fun it is being friends. This means either the budding romance is formally kaput, or that Keri and Kyle will both lose control and rip each others' clothes off next week. Who's Topless? All three guys appear shirtless throughout the episode. Kyle's turn comes suggestively when Keri says that she "needs something to hang on to." Who Cries? Tonya cries. A lot. Most Annoying: Granted, Tonya's been through a lot, but does this girl ever calm down? She wears my nerves down to a frazzle just looking at her! Best Quote: Theo refuses to take responsibility for shampoo tampering, "I'm just one guy; I can't watch everybody." Next Week: Chris sins.
February 11, 2002 Bureau of Misinformation Hurricane Juliette did quite a number on Bunim/Murray's Mexican paradise. Entire beaches have eroded away, streets are reduced to rubble and electrical service is spotty at best. But there's nothing like a natural disaster to put things in perspective. "Everything smells disgusting," complains Piggy. Even this storm cloud has a silver lining for those perky, happy-go-lucky Real Worlders, however. Kelley enthuses about the intense bonding opportunities that hurricanes offer, opportunities that "no money can buy!" While the Road Rulers are battling their own private storms, the Real Worlders are off making daisy chains and engaging in group hugs and singalongs. Zut alors! This is not the Real World I know! But, wait. The Real World cast members, in a show of solidarity, have decided to split the prize money among all those who remain and eliminate the lowest-ranked team each time. The only person to question this strategy is Stephen, who wants everything in writing. "I've been screwed over by too many people," he growls. His "aggression, frustration, bitterness and anger" (quite a recipe!) are not appreciated by those flower children in the Real World Villa. At one point, Sean admits that some Real Worlders, i.e. Stephen, are just not popular. In the background, we see Stephen pop up from behind a nearby chaise, presumably to strangle Sean. Stephen seems to emerge suddenly from dark corners quite often, darlings. He's also at the door when the Road Rulers hold their Star Chamber session (more about that below), taking notes on his trusty legal pad. He feels it's part of the game, the same game he says he doesn't give a fig about. Anyway, I'm sure Stephen's reality tv slambook could fetch a mint, if he found the right buyers. Between the creepy note-taking and the ancient slapping incident, Stephen is regarded as a thorn in the side, a malcontent in Utopia, despite his partner Lindsay's fervent lobbying. But, mes amis, if that's all Team Real World has to worry about, their lives are sunshine and lollipops compared to those of Team Road Rules. Resentment towards the smooching spouses Holly and Chadwick is still at a fever pitch, and Jisela is still talking like someone out of a B-grade swashbuckler. It's "enemy" this, and "enemy" that. I fully expect her, my dears, to begin a sword fight at any moment. During a presumably friendly game of Scrabble, Piggy spills the beans about a Road Rules alliance to Jisela; the top three teams (Chadwick/Piggy, Holly/Theo and Emily/Timmy) have agreed to ditch the other Winnebago Waifs at the first opportunity. When confronted, Emily protests that she and her partner only joined the Axis of Evil under duress, after Holly and Chadwick "approached" them. Of course, Piggy quibbles with Emily's interpretation. Who is telling the truth? Is Emily being open or "snake-like?" What does "approach" mean? All the Road Rulers gather in a single room, threatening to set it ablaze with their simmering anger, in order to discuss the issue. When Chadwick says, "I can feel the anger around here," it sounds like the understatement of the year. Well, heavens to Betsy, it is only February! When Emily is approached about being "approached," she rapidly backtracks. "Maybe I just felt like they approached me," she offers lamely. The other Road Rulers still don't like Holly or Chadwick, but Emily isn't exactly a saint, either. If only more than one team could be voted off at a time! The alliance, such as it was, disintegrates, and Emily sees a plane trip in her very near future, unless she and Timmy can succeed in their next mission. Oh, yes, the mission. Remember that, my petites chou? There has to be one sooner or later, but this week's "Musical Intertube Tango" occupies only a few minutes of our valuable time. I will say one thing about this particular Real World/ Road Rules Challenge, my pets: the producers have their priorities straight. Who wants to dwell on those silly little games of beach blanket bingo when there's backbiting afoot? The silly game this week is a pool party version of musical chairs (try it for your next summer shindig!), and the prize is an electric guitar and an amp. Piggy and Chadwick are the first Road Rules team out of the water. Everyone had better watch out; those schemers are likely to throw the electric guitar into the water and eliminate the competition right then and there! On that morbid note, a bientot. Next Week: Who will leave? Who will stay? Can Mike
and Coral possibly get any more lovey-dovey? Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something?
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