February 7, 2000
By the end of last week's episode, my darlings, the Road Rules team was scraping the ooey-gooey bottom of the morale barrel. They were behind 20,000 E-trade bucks, everyone was mopey and Los had disappeared. On top of that, Real World cast member Amaya has been mouthing off in the most obnoxious manner. For instance, she treats Los' disappearance in the most cavalier manner, saying "If he goes home, that's 10,000 bucks in my pocket." By the rules of television, there had to be some sort of turnaround.
And, the expectant television audience will not be disappointed. Mr. "What manners have to do wit anything?" Los eventually returns to the fold, and he apologizes to Veronica for his brutish lack of etiquette. Team spirit among the Road Rulers seems to be improving as they head into Kentucky "where education pays." Former Road Ruler Kefla greets the cast and informs them that they will be handling snakes in their next mission. Kefla might not exactly be the most impartial judge, however, since he allows the other former Road Rulers to rub a lucky skull.
So, both teams are in a pen with over 200 snakes of several shapes and sizes. Veronica says that she doesn't mind one little snake, but being surrounded by hundreds of them doesn't exactly make her comfy. Amaya balances her cockiness with aimless, unproductive wandering- what a feat! Everyone else picks snakes off the ground as if they were green beans in a veggie patch. The Road Rules team wins. Amaya, in another example of her amazing prowess, goes straight from braggadocio to catty sulking in a matter of seconds. The other team had better snakes! Veronica is a jealous person! We didn't get enough sleep! Waa! She even claims that the Road Rules victory was a pity present from the oh-so-compassionate Real World team.
Self-appointed drill sergeant Heather B. cracks down on all this nonsense. All this poor sportsmanship and wild partying is taking a toll on her team and threatening the big purse. She's so angry, she's even yelling at herself, which sort of disturbed me a little. Later, she finds a big plastic box with the instructions for a scavenger hunt. In order to win 6000 dollars, a team must be the first to complete three of the tasks on the list first and document their success with photographs.
There's quite a range of tasks, from dressing up alligators to playing Truth or Dare, but the Road Rulers and Real Worlders choose the same ones. For instance, both teams choose two people to go skinny-dipping in a private pool. If I were on the Real World team, mes amis, I might have chosen different delegates than Teck and Mike, but at least they sort of balance each other out, bulk-wise. The Road Rules nudies turn out to be Holly and Piggy, who are much shyer about skinny-dipping, and only take off their swimsuits once they're completely submerged underwater.
Both teams also try to kiss a cow. One thing I noticed was that the girls try to make friends with the cows before kissing them, while the boys just try to run them down. This might be of interest to any pop psychologists out there. Keep in mind, however, that the cows aren't having any of it. Wise, wise cows. The teams finally give up on that venture and play Truth or Dare and dress the boys up as big ugly women. These tasks seem to be more successful for them.
Between you and moi, dearies, none of the guys seems to have decent drag potential. They're even uglier than I am! Los is described as a "cross between an Egyptian pharaoh and Jesus," neither of whom, of course, is female. Teck seems to enjoy prancing around, but is much too angular to be anything but a skinny dude wearing a leopard-print bikini. Dave has a five o'clock shadow on his upper lip, and it's not even noon! Yes inspires little old ladies to look up his skirt.
The Road Rules team wins this event as well, and they get the 6000 dollars. Amaya says she'll never talk to them again, so things are really looking up for the Road Rulers. Will this trend continue? We'll have to wait until next week to find out.
Who's Shirtless This Week? The question may well be "Who's nude this week?" The answer would be Teck, Mike, Piggy and Holly. We didn't even see this much action in Hawaii. Oh yeah, Dave and Teck also go sans chemises.
Who's Hitting Upon Whom? Dave, Teck and Mike slobber over some exotic dancers, but it's only in passing. Dave also praises Kat's gentle ways with cattle; excuse moi, he actually called her "Kathleen," maybe because it sounded gentler. We also see some reluctant kissing action between Amaya and Kat. Dan affectionately squeezes Yes' fake boobie.
Most Annoying Cast Member? Amaya even manages to piss off her own team with her relentlessly poor sportsmanship.
Quote of the Week: Amaya's ineffectual jab at Veronica goes something like this: "I don't have to show my cleavage. I just have to wear a regular top."
Next Time: Yee-haw! The cast members participate in the Redneck Games.