February 6, 2001
For lo these many weeks, Christian has just been the wee Norwegian gnome lurking in the background. Occasionally, he would utter some mysterious phrases, only to scurry back into the underbrush as quick as a wink. Now, mes amis, we get to learn a bit more about this Norsk enigma. For one thing, he's an excellent in-line skater. The little people have traded in those pointy slippers for Rollerblades!
After three consecutive wins, the Real World team has been getting cocky, and it's about time they were brought low by a balding little man who lives in a hollow tree. You just know that we're going to witness some major comeuppance when Julie crows, "There's no losing for the Real World!" Darlings, Bunim-Murray structures these things like a Greek tragedy, hubris and all.
Bien sur, the Road Rulers' morale is initially in the toilette. "You can just taste the separation," Emily explains about her team's mood. And it tastes like cherry Pop-Tarts! Christian has been blaming himself for Road Rules' sorry record. He (and the producers) keep flashing back to that fateful greased pole competition when he fell ignominiously into the Boothbay brine. Now, most of us wouldn't beat ourselves up over a greased-pole contest, but the Scandihoovian work ethic is a marvel unto itself, dearies. Christian needs a chance to prove his worth to his teammates.
And he gets it, oddly enough, on the set of the upcoming corn-fed movie, "Rollerball." The allure of this upcoming opus is summed up in Ayannah's mantra, "Colors and ramps and lights and motorcycles!" Oh my! Ayannah gets even more excited upon spying celebs Chris Klein and LL Cool J. I can't get very excited, though, because I just know that my dear husband will have to review this movie, and then he'll come back home and fume and fuss and make a big mess at the dinner table. I have half a mind to make "Rollerball" director John McTiernan and his stars Mr. Klein and "Uncle L" come over to my house and do the cleaning themselves!
The big stars take time out of their precious skating and Evian-sipping schedules to show the cast members around the top-secret RTF, or Rollerballing Training Facility, buried deep in a mountain in an undisclosed location. Inside there's an intimidating track with in-line skaters and motorcycles spinning around. This sunless, buzzing world reminds Christian of his own Hobbiton, and he feels at home. Everyone else, however, is scared to death of the "gnarly" ramps and speeding motorcycles.
The first event is a relay race, in which the contestants have to hit buttons placed high up on the track. There's lots of falling and sliding, and with all the kneepads and helmets and other paraphernalia, it's hard to tell who's doing what. The one standout is Rebecca who struggles with gravity, much to the alarm of the Real World team. The Road Rules team wins that event.
The second event, which doesn't seem all that different from the first, involves being dragged by a motorcycle. That might sound promising, since the opportunity for injury, and therefore drama, is high, but there's just more sliding and falling. We also witness Chris Klein berating Kameelah, "This is a challenge, not a cakewalk!" Heavens to Betsy, I guess now the famous have taken on the duty of keeping us peons in line. Jamie puts in an impressive performance, but Christian keeps up with him. When Laterrian realizes that his underdog team has a chance of winning, he "almost orgasmed." That's in his own messy words, my little bonbons. I guess the Road Rulers were really hard up.
The last event requires that each team pick their best skater. That decision is pretty much a no-brainer, since everyone besides Jamie and Christian has waxed the track with his butt. These two hotdoggers have to skate up a tiny little ramp and then hit a target with their skates. Christian admits to feeling some pressure, but that's just to build suspense, and really means that he will win the game.
Christian does indeed claim victory, and they get the 10K check. Christian gets a now-obsolete Dreamcast video game system. He also gets a cameo in the movie, because of his elfin skating skills. But best of all, he knows he has contributed something important to his team. The sad thing, my sweets, is that compared to Dreamcast and the "Rollerball" movie, self-esteem probably is the best part of the prize!
The Real World team finally tastes defeat, and now it tastes more like Clamato. Let's just say that they're not the most graceful losers. Dan makes stupid faces at the other team, while Julie accuses her teammates of not being "amped" enough. "They deserved it today, whatever. But I don't care how they feel," Julie declares. Sensitive Rebecca grates on her team's wounded pride, "I care how they feel." Doesn't Rebecca realize that this is a game, for heaven's sake?
Meanwhile, the Road Rules team is cooing and cuddling, warm in their first major victory. Laterrian and Christian, who have had some misunderstandings in the past, make googly eyes at each other. Christian, the elf who made good, skates in the big-budget movie with a black lightning bolt painted across his face. Everything seems hunky-dory. Is this the beginning of a Road Rules winning streak? Why can't I bring myself to care?
Who's Topless: Slim pickins this week, my dears the only bare chest belongs to scrawny Dan.
Who Cries? Ayannah is so happy about her team's victory that she needs a family-sized hankie.
Best Quote: You know, I just can't resist those funny-talking foreign boys. Christian, in a moment of excitement, says, "My adrenaline is all over my body!"
Most Annoying: There were barely any human interactions to speak of, so it's especially difficult to pick an annoying cast member. But, Jamie did grate on me with his extreme use of jargon. "Legit speed" and "Intense grade-up" indeed.
Coming Soon: All those warm fuzzies among Christian, Laterrian and Ayannah won't last for long, darlings.