February 4, 2002
There's a storm a-brewing, my little chickadees, and I'm not only talking about Hurricane Juliette! Sure, the impending rain and high winds are causing a stir among the oft-pampered Real Worlders and Road Rulers. No, darlings, this storm is the most dangerous of all: the hot-air histrionics that occur whenever a bunch of attention-seekers competing for filthy lucre appear before the camera.
In the first episode of the "Battle of the Seasons," married Roadsters Holly and Chadwick caused their teammates to hate their eternally conjoined guts. Their wedded bliss, which is manifest in constant drooly smooching, is just icky to watch. But that's a minor factor compared to the impression that the formidable Holly and Mr. Holly (who are on separate teams) are in league together, putting all the other teams at risk. The kids seem to feel that Lovey and Dovey will agree with each other in all things and walk away with the $300,000.
For heaven's sake, those kids certainly have an odd idea of marriage! My beloved spouse and I barely agree upon how to hang the toilet paper, let alone any substantive issue. Anyway, the real sniping began when the Road Rules Inner Circle decided to eliminate the competitive duo Yes and Veronica, instead of culling the weakest from the herd. That very first vote set the tone for any machinations to follow. The Road Rules cast members now realize that they don't have to worry about those noodle-necks over in the Real World Villa; they're worried about the other Road Rulers!
Jisela in particular is making a big stink, since she feels robbed of the companionship of her homegirl Veronica. She regards Holly and Chadwick as lifelong enemies and forbids her partner Adam to even speak to them. Belou is another detractor of the Holly and Chadwick union, since they've implied that her parenting skills are sub-par. She charges at them like a drunken rhino and curses a blue streak. Ah, motherhood! "I don't love no one like I love my kid," Belou huffs, but evidently she doesn't love her baby enough to avoid shattered glass or double negatives!
Of course, the easiest way to resolve all these hard feelings would be to complete another mission and vote again. Hurricane Juliette, however, nixes that solution, and the kids find themselves trapped. Host Eric Nies encourages his charges to "enjoy the hurricane and chill," but with no electricity, no showers and no cell phones that doesn't seem likely. That is, unless you're Miami Mike and try to go swimming in the 35 foot waves. Well, at least his blubber would keep him afloat.
The stir-crazy cast members are desperate for amusement, a break from the internal and external dramas. Piggy and Theo discuss tummy-shaving. Some of the guys play Scrabble with slang and curse words; talk about walking on the wild side, dearies! Lindsay, Kelley and Becky get high off each other's b.o. and collapse giggling in a corner. In the words of Sharon, this confinement turns out to be a "very painful experience."
Suddenly, Norman gets a swell idea, "Let's play nightclub in the basement!" This idea, however, morphs into a toga party. Cast members from both programs are invited, and it looks like the only party-poopers are the married people and the mom. Sharon, who masterfully integrates palm fronds into her ensemble, wins the prize for best toga. Unfortunately, the prize is Mike from New York wriggling all over her and mussing her outfit. Let's hope this storm passes quickly, dearies!
Next Week: Talk of a Road Rules Inner Circle alliance causes Jisela to get her panties in a bunch. Oh wait, Jisela's probably not even wearing panties!
Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something?