Phil!
Born in Ankara, Turkey, Phil quickly realized that his condition was
permanent. Never having been abducted by aliens, he is 
quoted as saying"They're
afraid of me, and rightly so." A man who enjoys sentences that begin
with non-restrictive appositives, Phil has great talent for annoying people.
He knows when to stop, but doesn't always want to. He also has a tender
side, which is fortunately protected in most places by a thin, but continually
renewing mucus membrane. He would like people to know that he is fabulously
rich. In order for people to know this, he will first have to become fabulously
rich. He doesn't get enough riboflavin in his diet. His turn-ons are exotic
food, good typography, courage, and naked women. His turn-offs are traffic,
bad typography, improper etiquette, and being stabbed. His message to the
people of America is, "Hello, America." His message to the people
of the world is, "The same as the one for America, except with the
word 'world' in place of the word 'America.'"
You can still send him email, though.
