A Message From Publisher
Some of you little bastards might remember the hell that a young turk named Phil put me through. Well, my lawyers have advised me not to speak to anybody until a settlement is reached, but I'm sick of hearing Phil on every call-in radio show calling me a jerk. So I will now give my story and hope I can do it without pissing off those $200 an hour whores at Schaap and Douglas, Attorneys at Law. I was "allegedly" drunk at a party when I "allegedly" started picking on the candy-ass Fleischmann. Well, one thing "allegedly" leads to another and I break Mr. Fleischmann's "so-called" neck.
I'm his boss, right? So, I figure I have some sort of right to do this sort of thing. Not to say I did do it, or anything. But if I did, who gives a flying fuck? Anyway, Phil's lawyers want to go to court. We tried to settle up for a nice cold-cut platter, but his lawyers said no way. (This is, of course, after Phil already ate all the bologna roll-ups.) They want to take their lawsuit all the way to the freaking supreme court to stand up for broken-necked employees' rights, or some bullshit like that. They keep saying it isn't about money. Now, however, they will settle for $500,000.
If I had $500,000 to throw around at my employees I would have broken every neck in the office by now. Especially after last Tuesday when I came in for a little surprise inspection. It was two in the afternoon and not a soul was in sight. That is except for my mom, Agnes the trusty secretary. But she was buzzed to the gills on Liquid Paper and talking about stars shooting from the Xerox machine. The rest of those chumps (Dan, Mark, Matt and Amy) had all taken funds from petty cash to go to the mall to play laser tag.
What does this mean to you? This means that I am now taking applications for new staff members. My first new hire is my wife and she ain't getting paid shit - so that should tell you what to expect. She's writing a column because she's got all the time in the God-damned world sitting around drinking them fancy canned coffees at home all day. So, if you got all the time in the world, too, send me a resumé and I just might find something to take your mind off your self-hatred.
One more thing. If you get a job with Randy Shandis Enterprises, you better not even think about slacking off.
CEO, Randy Shandis Enterprises