A Message from the Publisher, Randy Shandis
I got really drunk last night. I like getting drunk for the most part, but sometimes, I guess, when I get really drunk I can be what my wife calls an "asshole". So, the staff of the Gift Electroniqué was having this party and they invited me because I am their boss and all. I could tell that those guys didn't feel so comfortable with me hanging around. Hey, tough shit, I said. I sign the checks that allow those turds to use $142.37 in electricity last month, and $113.43 for something called "office supplies". What the hell, are they eating the pens? So, back to the story. I was drunk and getting kind of rowdy in the office. I challenged Phil to a wrestling match even though I outweigh him by somewhere around 100 pounds, maybe 130. He said no at first, but as soon as I knocked him down he seemed a little more game to protect his sorry ass. Anyway, we start 'rasslin' around and knocking over desks and tables and chairs and I finally get him in a headlock. I dragged him to the window and started calling him a pussy and all of that stuff, just like my daddy taught me. And the little shit bit me. I swear if the son of a bitch didn't draw blood on my forearm. So, I squeezed tighter and then I heard something crack. Phil went all limp and couldn't move. He just fell to the ground and everyone starts freaking out. Matt says, put him out in the street so a car will hit him and they won't know what really happened. But his brother Dan says, no, let's not do that. Finally, someone, I think Phil's girlfriend calls the paramedics and I'll be damned if that little turd wasn't still breathing, even if he was unconcious and couldn't move. The paramedics put him inside all of these inflatable casts and stuff and strap him to a gurney, which I thought was pretty funny. I mean, the guy's paralyzed - are they afraid he's going to get up and run away.
This morning I get a call from some attorneys that Phil has apparently hired to sue me, his boss. Talk about ungrateful little pricks. I didn't even know what the hell the guy on the phone was jabbering about and then my wife tells me. I guess I blacked out at some point and don't remember so good. My wife pieced it together for me. Then, I called my lawyers and as a result of my discussion with them, I would like to state publicly that Phil's paralysis is through no fault of mine. I do not take any liability for what happened. I am sorry it happened, but I wasn't even there at the time. Plus, it probably is because of some pre-existing condition. I would also like to take this opportunity to tell Phil he is doing a great job and I wonder if he would like a raise. After he goes through all the physical rehabilitation and stuff, then he should come in and talk to me. If he doesn't want a raise and would rather sue me, then he is fired. Be sure to let him know that, will you?
Randy Shandis, Publisher and Owner, The Gift Electroniqué.