Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!!
That's my bone-curdling laugh, and it serves as a warning to the weakest among you. Hello, I'm Neil Gruber, Iowa's Master of the Macabre, and I'd like to take this opportunity to welcome you to my very strange, very bizarre world. Thanks for stopping by. It's a world where the seemingly impossible happens all the time, that's for sure!
I am Iowa's most frightening storyteller, you know. And because of my extraordinary abilities to scare the pants off the likes of you, the law requires me to make you read the following terms and conditions before entering into my world of death and near-death. I warn you, if you get scared pretty easy-like, turn back now. If you think you have the courage, though, well then, come on tough guy and show me what you got.
TERMS AND CONDITIONS
1. Before entering the House of Scary Horror, you have consulted a physician that confirms you do not have a heart condition that would make the very real likelihood of a heart attack an even greater likelihood.
2. You agree that the sight of the seemingly unreal (but which you will swear is true) won't make you get so sick that you try to sue the Gift Electroniqué.
3. You acknowledge that all cultures and religions have different beliefs and just because I say someone is going to burn in hell doesn't mean that I am recognizing one religion as being better than the others. Most of them are actually pretty good, don't you think?
4. The sight or thought of the dead rising up from the ground in insurrection will not kill you, and if it does, your estate will take full responsibility for the death.
5. You willfully, and with full knowledge of the sheer terror that lies ahead, enter Neil Gruber's House of Scary Horror. If you tear your own eyes out, or smother yourself to stop the visions and dreams, you will not blame me, Neil Gruber, because I warned you fair and square.
If you accept the terms and conditions, CLICK THE DOOR OF TERROR.
otherwise,
