Pets.com - In a stop at the popular online pet product retailer Pets.com, Mayoral Candidate Mr. Randy Shandis blasted his main opponent, Al "Foz" Fozano, for his tendencies toward decadent and potentially damaging behavior.
"It's no secret that Fozano is a lush," blasted Shandis, "and I don't have a problem with that. What I have a problem with is how much of his time his hard-drinking occupies. We've heard rumors that he blacks out for hours, days, sometimes weeks after going on one of his legendary gin-fizz benders."
Shandis continued his tirade as e-shoppers milled about him buying doggy biscuits and electric bark collars. "Hey, look, I like to get drunk too. I even like to black out. I'd be lying if I said I didn't, and I would probably be convicted for that murder in Massachussets if they found out I lied about blacking out. But, in the Foz's case, it's the combination of his hard drinking and love of Internet pornography that I think will distract him from being the best possible Mayor. I challenge him to cut out either the drinking or the kiddie porn."
When confronted with these accusations, Mr. Fozano responded by vomiting on a reporter's blouse, then giving a first-hand demonstration of how quickly and easily he falls into an alcohol-induced stupor. All the while, the mayoral candidate held a clutch of photos downloaded from Filthyporno.com tight to his chest.
"This is unusual," said Fozano's press aide Philip Lotharius. "He rarely passes out when he has photos of such dirty pictures to jerk-off to." Lotharius dismissed the accusations of drunkenness and pornography-loving as nothing more than "slight exaggerations."
"We know Fozano has a small drinking problem," admitted Lotharius as Fozano woke just long enough to catcall to a passing cement mixer. "But why is Shandis dwelling on this trivial issue when there are much larger concerns, such as Fozano's weak heart?"
When asked to elaborate on the "failing heart" comment, Lotharius replied "I've said enough, gentlemen," before he and Fozano disappeared into the Internet ether.
