|
|
Fozano not only tested positive for every illegal drug known to man, it was found that his blood was more than 50% cocaine. Three NASA scientists were hospitalized after getting "contact" highs after dealing with his blood samples. This was despite their wearing three protective layers of clothing and gloves.
"Even Darryl Strawberry's blood was not this toxic," said top scientist Ron Panders. "It's a miracle that Fozano is alive today."
When a reporter suggested that Fozano is actually a robot, a rumor that has hounded Fozano throughout this campaign, Panders declined to comment. "We were asked to look into drug allegations, and that's all I can speak of at this point. The fact that he does indeed appear to be some sort of unfeeling humanoid is not for me to comment on."
NASA was called in to check Fozano's blood-drug level after his main opponent Mr. Randy Shandis brought it up during a live televised debate where Fozano appearred on camera with his nose coated in white powder and one nostril bleeding. NASA has a long-standing policy of investigating any "juicy" rumor or claim made during an election.
Shandis also pointed out how Fozano has softened what once was an anti-drug stance. In 1996, Fozano created DAD, Drugs are Dangerous, a youth activity program meant to keep pre-teens drug-free. In 1998, while briefly married to Drew Barrymore, Fozano changed the program's name to BDAD, Bad Drugs Are Dangerous, and altered its mission so that it helped keep kids off "the hard stuff."
Late last year, Fozano renamed the program DRUGZ, which he said "stands for nothing, but looks cool, especially the Z." He also changed the logo for the program to the now famous syringe with a marijuana leaf in it. In January of this year, Fozano further changed the program's mission to simple "Yeah, bro."
Fozano could not be reached for comment on this story because he is currently in Tijuana, Mexico "refilling some prescriptions."
