Employee Evaluations
By employer Randy Shandis
Captain Japan (Sake-Drenched Postcards) - Captain Japan is a poor example of work ethic. He was hired to serve as our Japanese bureau chief and bring no-pan (no panty) technologies home to America. The goal was to take the technology and convert the Big Empire into the world's only no-pan site, where information would be placed high up in the air and attractive, no-pan hostesses would have to climb ladders to retrieve it. In three years of employ, Captain Japan has brought home only a handful of fully-pantied technologies, mostly clipped out of Sony catalogs. Mr. Japan also submits dubiously high expenses for canned coffee, rice whiskey, third-world massage parlors and cigarettes. If the Big Empire is not fully no-pan (except for Phil, who has court restrictions) by FY2003, he should plan on seeking new employ.
Decision: No raise for 2002.
Stinky (Post-It Theater) - Stinky was brought on board the corporation to serve as our technology guru. Nintendo 64 and daily memos requesting a Nintendo GameCube are not the technological advances I had in mind. Further, I expect my technology guru to be able to make more enlightened recommendations than "Hit it really hard. No, really really hard" when the phone system is down. Stinky was also hired because he knew "a guy whose brother has a beer distributor and he miscounts kegs and sells the missing ones for cheap so we can totally score." In four years, we have received no free or cheap beer. Alas. Stinky is to be commended for his dedication to work, always being the first here and the last to leave. In 2002 I would like to see Stinky redouble his interest in technology and develop a way for the Big Empire to steal site hosting services. In addition, I would like to see him generate $14,000,000 in revenue.
Decision: No raise in 2002.
Gooden (Gooden Worsted's Video Ventures) - Gooden is a hard worker, but he fails to focus on our core business. He should always work as though he were asking the question "How can we all make Randy more money?" Instead, he is mostly concerned with "Does this tuna salad smell funky to you?" Gooden would also do well to stop selling tube socks out of his trunk in the office parking lot. It detracts from our corporate appearance, especially when he offers two-for-one deals to visiting venture capitalists. Also, even if the office air conditioner is not working, the ban on wearing only underwear includes Speedos. In the next year, I would like to see Gooden take charge of the office staff and initiate a program to redefine the Big Empire as a multi-billion dollar conglomerate that actually makes a product. If he succeeds, he can expect handsome rewards. If he fails, he can wear his Speedos down at the unemployment office.
Decision: No raise in 2002.
Amy (Mrs Filthy) - Nobody is more likely to take out the office trash without being reminded than Amy. She's a real team player, always facing each day with a smile. Sure, she doesn't have them at the end of the day, but she keeps showing up and that's remarkable for a company with a 653% turnover rate. However, she also sticks too closely to here "ideals" and "ethics" to make upper-management material. It is especially troublesome that her ethics do not prevent her from making hundreds of dollars worth of calls to the "Pretty Pony" 1-900 hotline or try to poison my piece of the carrot cakes she occasionally brings in. In the next year, I would like to see her abandon the ideals and become a ruthless corporate raider.
Decision: 2% raise conditional on our takeover of Yahoo! under her leadership.
Matt (The Filthy Critic) - Matt has pilfered more office supplies, made more unauthorized long distance calls, stolen more furniture and eaten more of his fellow employees' lunches than any other member of my staff. In short, he's real top-level material. Or, he would be if he did not also take my car joyriding, cut my dog's tail, repeatedly crank call my wife and break into the weight control clinic next door. Never mind the bomb threats. Matt is also always the last to arrive and the first to leave the office. Or so I've been told. To his credit, Matt has been stuffing the Afghanistan relief aid packs with old issues of Mad Magazine, allowing me to resell the peanut butter and crackers in the employee lounge. In the next year, I would like to see Matt establish himself as our human resources manager; someone who can yell at the other employees when I'm not there.
Decision: 5% pay cut which I am sure he will make up by reselling office supplies.
Phil (Encyclopedia Vegasana) - I haven't got the slightest idea who this guy is. I think I remember him leaving the Christmas party last year when he learned our copier was broken. He was later arrested at the Office Max making photocopies of his butt. Is he the guy that sits at the other end of the table during our monthly staff meetings and always asks "who brought these crappy donuts?" Well, the answer is me. That's where the weekly $5 donut paycheck withholding goes. And if you don't like them, Mystery Man Phil, you can go not show up around the offices somewhere else. In 2002, I would like to see more of Phil in the office. I would like to groom him to take over for me when I decide to retire. I like the cut of his jib.
Decision: 20% raise for 2002, promotion to senior executive vice president in charge of other employees.
